Chemistry
by Kyer
Summary: When it comes to extraordinary lab work, Batman reigns supreme within the Justice League. Or does he? Maybe not..and that has the Bat ticked. Rated for mild swearing and annoyed super heroes. Humor rather insane at times. **PLAGIARIZED BY A PORN SITE
1. What just happened?

Title: **Chemistry**

Category: Cartoons » Justice League

Author: Kyer

Language: English, Rating: Fiction Rated: K+

Genre: Humor

Published: 12-22-08, Updated: 03-16-09

Chapters: 12, Words: 30,604

**NOTE THE ABOVE DATE! THIS STORY HAD BEEN PLAGIARIZED HOT OF THE PRESS BY SOME JACKASS AT A HARDCORE ANIME PORN SITE IN APRIL OF 2009 NO WAY DID I GIVE PERMISSION FOR THEM TO POST IT THERE. SEVERELY DISGUSTED WITH THOSE LOW LIFE THIEVES.**

**NOTE THAT THEY HAVE ALSO STOLEN MY 'CHEMISTRY' STORY. NEITHER OF THESE STORIES ARE HARDCORE PORN. I AM NOT AMUSED AT THIS THEFT!  
**

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**Chapter 1: What just happened?**

_This additional note was written just after posting Chapter 11._

_Nothing recognizable found in this story is the owned property of Kyer. That includes references to DC Superhero stuff, Star Wars, Pokemon, Star Trek, Marvel comics characters, and so forth. All was written for fun and glory and not a claim of ownership or money. (damn it.) Oh, and this story gets increasingly cracky as it goes on, but if the fav story email alerts I've been getting so far are any indication reviewers have been forgiving this--bless their fellow twisted souls._

_Hope you have as much fun reading as I had dreaming this stuff up._

_Story is very Wally/Flash-centric, but other characters have cameos with Bat family, Superman, The Question having larger parts as well._

I don't own Justice League or any super heroes. Yes, sux to be me, I know. Don't rub it in.

This was born from a review by me of OnlyANorthernSong's Super Secret Gift Exchange fanfic. I proposed that the other superheroes would be flabbergasted should Wally West actually outdo Batman in a laboratory endeavor. She wanted me to write up the idea. Since the author had given me much appreciated knowledge on this fandom, I gave it a shot. (Granted, Batman must have gotten wind of what I was attempting and sent highly threatening vibes my way via the Martian so the ending is not _quite_ what I intended.)

OnlyANorthernSong, this is for you.

* * *

Chemistry

An unmasked Flash ran around the Batcave ninety-eight times with his arms outstretched and moving in a circular clockwise motion. While not anywhere at top speed, the superhero was still moving much faster than his co-workers could hope to attain without mechanical aid.

It also made his antics that much more annoying because they could actually _see_ him in action rather than just as a red blur.

"Two flaps around the Bat's, two flaps around; it's only fair--he doesn't care--you're bored to tears in this Underground! One flap around the Bat's, one flap around! You stop and stare...."

Wally West here stopped on a dime; loosely flying red hair still in the act of trying to brake with the rest of him, but not succeeding. Mischievous eyes peered up at Batman's scowling face to judge what effect his squeaky serenade and dance was having.

"...to note his glare...."

Broke out in a grin as the man glowered at him.

"..._AANnnd_ then you turn around!"

Face alight in glee, Wally reversed direction and ran his chosen course again another one-hundred times only in counter-clockwise. This was the fifteenth time Flash had completed the full song since Batman had started the last stages of his experiment. If Batman didn't have his cowl on to protect his hair he'd now be as bald as Luthor for having pulled it out in frustration.

The Dark Knight had given up snarling at the kid to stop after the first 45th lap. The chemical concoction he was brewing (or what Flash insisting on calling a _potion_) was needed to stop Poison Ivy's newest creation that she had threatened to unleash upon the world tomorrow during Christmas Eve. Not even a Flash-induced migraine was going to make him stop doing important work just to 'go have dinner' at McDoogalls.

Sitting down not far away to await the results (of the chemical experiment--NOT the Flash's test on their hearing), the Green Lantern and Wonder Woman had given up threatening Wally with bodily harm on the 24th and 32nd laps--respectfully. It wasn't that they were any less annoyed (and ignored) by Flash, but the last time they had tried to physically stop the speedster it had resulted in Bruce's T-rex crashing into the Batmobile and thus setting off it's collision alarms and both air bags. Additionally, a lasso'd Alfred (Wonder Woman was still blushing over her error there) had _unintentionally_ spilled the beans about having had to use hot pink thread on the hem of Master Bruce's torn cloak from that last adventure of the Dark Knight's when he'd run out of darker colored thread in his sewing kit. (Seems Wally had borrowed it to make sock puppets for Central City's orphanage.) After receiving Batman's glare on the resultant mess....and Flash's laugh at the dozen hot pink cross-stitches he'd found on the cape's hem---GL and WW had sat down and simply endured.

All things considered, Flash was damned lucky his continued existence was needed to stave off a Justice Lords reality. It was the only thing saving him from premeditated murder. So far.

"One last ingredient. Two drops..." Batman muttered as he took up a yellow vial of liquid and carefully started to let a single drop of the highly volatile chemical make it's way to the lip of the crystal tube. He tilted his hand a second time. _One last drop and then he was free to kill the roadrunner currently rampaging in his cave--alternate reality prophecies be-damned. _Batman tried not to think about how that would cast him as either Luthor or the scientifically bent, but highly ineffective Wile E. Coyote. Under the circumstances, Wayne doubted the other Leaguers would condemn him.

"Whoa--Bats,thatnotagoodidea--" Flash suddenly appeared in front of him, but the second droplet had already made it's high dive to join the rest of the recipient beaker's mixture. Meanwhile the contents (sans arriving drop) turned an alarming shade of About-To-Explode Real Soon...with relevant sound effects.

The Flash sped into action.

There was a blur of red over the beaker with it's own audio of what sounded like "OhshitshitshitOWOWshitshitOW!" sung by The Chipmunks at high speed. The blur zoomed from the beaker to the lab table containing Batman's work notebook. Said notebook opened and was flipped through within a split second. Microsecond pause wherein a pen disappeared from its place on the table and reappeared. The blur then appeared back at the experiment table where assorted beakers were kept. More blurs and then Flash was standing by the exit to the upstairs Wayne Manor while the beaker held a calm, non-threatening liquid. He used his other hand to mop off the sweat on his brow, gave a quick wince which quickly became hidden by a cocky grin.

"Well, that's that! Can we go upstairs and eat now? It's been almost 10 _minutes_ since Al declared dinner was ready and I'm starved! Afterward maybe we can go to McDoogall's for, you know, an after-dinner snack? There's this really great special they're having." He gave Batman his best malnourished puppy-dog eyes look. It disappeared when he noticed Batman's expression. Turning his head, Wally saw the same expression of slack-jawed disbelief gracing Green Lantern and Wonder Woman. "Uh...guys?"

Wonder Woman gaped like her mother had just appeared and announced she was going to take Aqua Lambada lessons with Poseidon. Green Lantern stuttered. "D-Did he just...?"

"NOoooooO..." Wally started to whine in denial of any culpability in saving them from an exploding corrosive gone wrong. He glanced at the test tube still in his hand and carefully zoomed over to put it back on the rack, hyper-speed brainwaves desperately seeking a plausible explanation to give them other than _'it looked like it was going to go boom and by chance I chose the right counter agent. How'zat for dumb luck?'_ The possibilities were cut short when Batman reached out and grabbed the front of the Flash's hood, pulling them nose to nose.

"Um.. heheh...oops?" Wally nervously held up one of his hands in surrender.

"What, did you do?"

"Nothing!...much..."

"WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?" Batman's growling voice echoed around the cave.

"Really. It was pure dumb... Hey, it's fixed, okay? Wally gulped. "No go-boom. No harm done. Except now I'm really nervous and when I get really nervous I get really hungry. Let's go eat--"

Without looking away from Wally's sweating face, Bruce reached down and grabbed West's other hand by the wrist from behind where the speedster was trying to keep it out of sight. One of the Flash's glove fingertips sported little wisps of acrid smoke and was blackened. Batman picked up some surgical scissors and considered the smoking hand as if he was deciding whether to cut off the ruined material or just the whole finger. Wally gulped in terror, the pain forgotten in favor of worry over which option Batman was going to ultimately take.

_Oh crap!_

"Youhadmadea**teensyeensy**..er..explosion." Batman scowled. Whether it was at having made a chemistry miscalculation or from trying to decipher that running sentence...who knew. He finally made the cut....and threw the damaged cloth into a wastebasket. Wally looked mournfully at it. His finger felt and looked like hell from having used it to stop that last fateful drop from blowing them sky high (which would have been pretty impressive considering they were in a cave); however it would heal quickly enough. His glove, however, was a lost cause and those weren't something you could just pick up at the discount store.

Good thing he still had plenty of rings at home.

"How did you know what was wrong with the equations?" John piped up, still in a bit of shock. "You're just a grease monkey for the C.C.P.D. Most I've seen you do is fix a car backfire." _And how he manages that, I can't even guess. The man couldn't even work his own Flashmobile properly!_ "I'm surprised you even know the difference between diesel gasoline and unleaded." Wonder Woman would have snickered at that if she wasn't still stuck in mental limbo.

"Hey!" Wally pouted ready to defend himself, then subsided as he remembered he was supposed to be encouraging their misconceptions of him. That, and Wonder Woman's glassy stare was starting to freak him out.

"Wallace Rudolph West is a mechanic for the metro police department," Bruce concurred as he dragged Wally over to a lidded box marked with a red cross. "Public records show mediocre academic achievements _at best_--none of them in chemistry."

"Yeah, well, you should question everything you read," Wally snickered under his breath. If they found out he was actually the city's top part-time police _forensic scientist _and not a doofus then the League just might make him spend more time doing research projects--which would seriously cut into his game play time. Not to mention Stud Appeal. He'd likely also have to explain that he was eating the Watchtower out of iced mochas and pizzas in order to make up for having to bribe The Question into faking his school and other public records. (You'd think Vic would have given him a discount on account that they were both part of the Red-Headed Heroes League, but _nooooooo_. Question made Captain Boomerang look like a philanthropist when it came to money.)

Then again, if he had to spend time at the Batcave playing with the Bat Chemistry Lab Kit then he'd have full access to Alfred's cooking and Tim's entertainment collection--without either necessarily having to know. Then again, Alfred could be downright scarier than Bats at times and Nightwing held one heck of a grudge and a weapons selection. Then _again_...

Looking embarrassed and like he dearly desired to scratch the back of his head if it weren't for Batman holding his injured member hostage, Wally hesitated in indecision. Batman chose that moment to spray Wally's finger with a disinfectant from the medical kit.

"OWOWOWOuchieOW!" Wally yelped as the spray struck what was now only a first degree chemical burn and thusly had newly working nerve endings. Enough was enough. He vibrated his hand just enough to free it. "Duuuude, have you considered starring in a hospital horror film? You'd fit right into the part of the sadistic, scary doctor."

Batman's glower reached new depths.

"See?" Wally grinned. "You've got the scary part down pat." He turned to Green Lantern. "Doesn't he have the scary part down pat?"

GL didn't answer. He was too busy looking through Batman's notebook which now sported some equation corrective marks and the entire _Batman Smells_ Christmas parody lyrics on the back inside cover--complete with caricatures of a certain super hero and sidekick. He hastily used his ring to wipe off his fingerprints from the thing and put it down before Batman noticed and accused _him_ of the vandalism.

Wally's face fell when Batman smirked...sort of. The problem was it was the evil '_I'm Batman and I will discover all--because I'm Batman' _sort-of evil smirk. The one that preceded waking up the next morning with a batarang wedged up body places not meant for such things. "Er...now you're just over acting."

"I _will_ find out."

"Maybe. But in the meantime...can we go eat dinner at McDoogall's? Their special The Flash action figure give away with every four 99-cent Joyful Meals ends in an hour!" He needed replacements for all the ones that kept disappearing from his apartment. Personally, he suspected The Trickster. Or that crazy old lady next door.

"West, I've got a new song for you to sing while I'm remaking the _potion_."

"What's that?"

"Staying Alive."

When Alfred came down to find out what all the noise was it was to find a nervous Flash singing a BeeGees tune while running circles around the batcave and being chased by a remote controlled (and ominously beeping) batarang. The Green Lantern was operating said remote control. Wonder Woman was... apparently not '_in_' as it were. Was that Master Bruce actually cackling while working in his lab? The butler shook his head. It was all terribly undignified, Alfred decided. He escaped back upstairs.

"Just another few drops and it's done." Batman nodded in satisfaction. If he hurried, they could catch the start of the Batman action figure giveaway Joyful Meals promotion. Maybe he could also get a last minute Flash one too...seeing he'd destroyed the speed demon's last one yesterday.

Using action figures for stress relief was so underrated.


	2. Stress Relief Damages

Stupid disclaimer because I'm NOT a DC writer, owner, or other rich and famous person. Or a superhero. If this disclaimer isn't good enough, feel free to send The Flash to arrest me. Please.

Yes, it was supposed to be a one shot. My imagination wouldn't let go of those action figures.

* * *

Chemistry: Chapter 2

"This is Summer Gleeson reporting from downtown Gotham City where as you can see the warehouse behind me was partially engulfed in flames. City fire fighters have attested that almost one half of the building had been gutted by the fire and will need to be totally rebuilt." The camera zoomed in closer on the reporter.

"Although arson is suspected after one fire fighter found a badly burnt propane mini-torch at the epicenter of the damage, it is too early to be certain one way or the other. But whether the fire was started by accident or arson is not the big question. No, the shocking story here, ladies and gentlemen, is what was found hidden away in this building. "

The reporter paused. "Unfortunately, due to the extensive structural damage, the fire marshall will not allow our camera crew inside; however we have obtained footage taken while they searched for any potential victims of the conflagration. _I also must warn you that what you are about to see is not for the feint of heart or the eyes of little children_."

The outside cut away to be replaced by smokey video of what looked like a normal utilitarian warehouse. However, there were more than just packing crates inside.

"The smoke is somewhat obscuring, but we can plainly see that this place was being used for more than simple storage. There are posters and other paraphernalia vandalized beyond repair. Action figures by the hundreds twisted, cut, or otherwise mutilated in ways the firemen assure us was not caused by the blaze. It has been described as a scene right out of a medieval torture chamber only in plastic. Curiously--perhaps ominously so---all these licensed products were modeled after _one_ iconic figure." The scene cut back to the reporter, now holding a severely twisted red with yellow accents action figure that had both legs nearly torn off."

"Police have only just started their investigation on the matter and have not as yet named any suspects--though certainly at least to this reporter the sheer maliciousness of the matter hints at infamous villains such as The Joker."

"But one thing is certain..." the grimacing reporter held out on of the mishandled toys "whoever placed these items here has a sick and twisted grudge against Central City's superhero. When we found him, The Flash's only comment was..." the video cut to that of the red costumed speedster nervously fingering the lightning bolt symbol of his costume:

"Oh, man, that is just _sick_. Whoever the psycho is who did this needs some major mental help, you know? I mean, I can kind of see some nutcase going after things of Batman 'cause he sort of goes out of his way to inspire dark thoughts in his bad guys, but destroying highly collectible stuff of _me_?! I mean, wow. Go figure."

With a blip, the tv was switched off.

The manservant dutifully poured his brooding employer a cup of earl grey tea. "A ghastly business, to be sure. Whatever must the perpetrator have been thinking? Do you have any clue, Master Bruce?"

Wayne took the mug, careful of his bandaged fingers.

"Oh, _stuff_ it, Alfred."


	3. Question my sanity

Does anyone know if there is a Wally West action figure as opposed to The Flash one? Preferably in lab coat and cheeky grin as in Flash And Substance. I'd pay for one of those.

P.S. Saw Destroyer clip. Superman (the Boy Scout on Steroids) gave Lex Luthor "freaking" as a middle name. I'm flabbergasted.

* * *

Chapter 3: Question My Sanity

"What if I told you I can trade information on how the President of the United States is, in fact, working in tandem with Iranian terrorists and that 9/11 was created as a diversion to hide his dealings with same."

"I'd say that you are patronizing me in order to obtain sensitive information that I and only I have been entrusted with. Every internet geek worth their fedora knows Washington is actually working with Mars bars to place nano-GPS devices in their candy wrappers in order to fulfill the original plan by the Martians to take over Earth. Keep a wary eye on J'onnz...he's bound to show his true colors soon and leave your little meta-human social club to fulfill his true purpose just like Hawk Girl. The Oreo fixation is a dead give away."

Batman was dying to ask, but thought better of it. "Right. I'll be sure to keep tabs on him. Just now I'm more interested in what you know about another team mate of mine."

"You mean _the roadrunner_ who showed you up in your own lair and saved your, Green Lantern's, and Wonder Woman's buttocks from an unscheduled flight plan? You really should pay more attention when playing Bill Nye the Science Guy." Question ignored the dark look Batman gave him. "However, since I've been sworn to secrecy on the matter, you are wasting your time." Question snorted in disdain and obstinately folded his arms over his chest, unimpressed by Batman's oh-so casual exposing the edge of one of his batarangs. "Go back to Gotham. I've got _important_ work to do. Google has almost completed their plan to destroy the last Rubik's Cube in existence in order to open the lock to Fate's library user card number....leading to eventual world domination."

"_Really_?" Batman sneered. "I thought you were going to solve that one last week?"

"I got hit by a spider." Question shrugged, "It happens."

"Search engine virus?" Batman asked before his brain could finish relaying the message to shut up and leave well enough alone.

"Spiderman. Web missed the brickwork while on the upswing. Sticky stuff flew right into my open window while I was airing out the surveillance dust particles left behind by the cable guy and it snagged my computer. Made off with a fortnight's work on the downswing. He said it was an _accident_... but I have my doubts."

"Undoubtedly," Batman deadpanned. _Why was I so desperate to come here again?_

"He works for a newspaper. You _know_ those kind are untrustworthy. They are all in league with dangerous aliens."

_Which explains why Superman doesn't like this guy," _Batman thought to himself. "No offense," he said aloud in sarcastic reference to the man's dissing of the League and it's assorted members.

"None taken... Been placing bug bombs around my apartment...just in case," Question continued blithely on. "Thinking of adding _other_ flying pest traps as well," the investigator added rather pointedly.

Unfazed by Question's unwelcome tone, Batman reached into his utility belt and extracted a video game case he'd _appropriated_ from Tim's bedroom.

"What if I had proof that the creation of the Pokemon franchise is really to cover up the discovery by Tokyo scientists of a pocket universe contained in a dyson sphere that in our dimension is roughly the size of a fist? That this information was swiped by a Mcdoogall corporate spy and shipped to their head office only to be intercepted by me during a stake out coffee break?"

The Question stared at him.

* * *

Later...in the Watchtower cafeteria...

"I have you now."

Flash blinked in confusion at Batman from over his iced mocha then grinned, moving aside so that the Caped Crusader could sit at the same table.

"Dude, I know you're likely a huge fan, but won't it hurt your image with the Princess what with his being a villain and all?" He took a gulp of his drink before wiping his mouth on his sleeve and letting out a loud burp of transitory satisfaction. (Maybe he could talk GL into getting him one of those beer keg hats with the continuous feed tubes?) "Take it from me, image is everything with the babes."

Batman decided he was truly living in the slow lane since he was so often compelled to let such Flash statements speed past. Life was too short to respond to all of them.

"Flash..."

"I mean, sure, he has some pretty cool dialogue and I can see where you'd have some serious costume envy and all what with _his_ truly _awesome_ helmet and cape....and that commanding voice--for a bad guy, I mean. _My_ suit just trumps his any day. It's the red. Ladies do love the red. And the lightning bolts. But you've got to remember it's unrealistic to hope to obtain that level of ultra bad boy coolness. The dude is _fictional_, Bats. I'm sure Diana is willing to settle for a lesser standard in you since you're real."

_Must not deck him. At least not in public. Not before I learn what the insanity he's spouting now pertains to and certainly not before my moment of triumph when I reveal my knowledge._ "Flash, what are you talking about?"

"Your being a closet Darth Vader fan. Mind, if you don't stop the movie quotes you won't be closeted for long." Leaning in closer, Flash whispered, "Don't worry, I'll keep your secret--you don't have to _mind whammy_ or force me. Get it? _Force_ me?" He laughed. "But if you make a working lightsaber, I want one too. Not Vader's, though. Make mine like Kenobi's...and one of Mace Windu's. I've been wondering what I was going to do for GL's birthday. That would be truly awesome. We can re-enact the scenes in the Batcave! That would be _sooo_ cool! Um..except we'll have to improv the story line a bit as I don't remember all of them being in the same fight scene. Hey--do you think Alfred will play Sidious? You can lend him an extra bat cape. Not the one with the pink crosstitches in it though. Dark Lords of the Sith don't do sissy pinks."

For a moment Bruce was utterly speechless.

"I am **_not_**...." Batman took a deep, calming breath. Letting Flash take control of a conversation was like sitting by and letting Circe transform people into pigs---chaos would ensue and grow exponentially. "Speaking of secrets," the Dark Knight gritted out, "I had an interesting talk with the Question yesterday."

Wally snorted into the dregs of his iced mocha. "Bats, it's the Question. Is there any other kind with him?" He got a refill of his drink and was back in microseconds. "This is why you came to yours truly--for some intelligent conversation to keep your sanity, huh? Happy to oblige." The grin was back on full power. "You know I'm always here to help, Bats."

_Yes. The fact that the Martian confirms you really are as innocent as you seem in your desire to help is the only thing that saves you from being classified as an insane criminal striving to drive me out of my mind. One I can in free conscience lock up in Arkham. Damn._ _I wonder if Wally is related to The Question? Or the Joker's illegitimate son? It would explain so much._

"Every man has his price, _Flash_. Batman slowly began with just a touch of smugness showing. Oh, he was going to savor this. "Question told me all about your background in science work. It only took an implausible tale on my part on the subject of Pokemon of all things....and now....I know who you _really_ are."

"You actually _told Question about Pokemon _just to get him to spill the beans about me?" Flash's jaw dropped.

"I suspect it will probably be weeks before he gives up dissecting that game."

"Yeah, but, Bats..." Wally began, but was distracted by the sound of someone else entering the commissary. His eyes got big as pie plates. "Question..."

"What?" Frowning, Batman turned in his seat to see The Question walking briskly towards them. For a moment Batman wondered if he was going to have to save his stoolie from the Flash's wrath should the man get angry for having his identity given out. Before Batman could stand up, however, he noticed something odd.

Resting in the crook of one arm, Question held a little white and black creature that somewhat resembled a rabbit. He blinked at the strange animal. Odd...he hadn't seen any pets in Question's rooms. Although, the little beast did look somewhat familiar. Where had he seen it before?

Question threw the Pokemon video game down on their table--back cover up.

Oh. That's where.

"Three entry level Charizard battles--_easy_. One encrypted Easter egg--_child's play_. Highest Game Score Integrated Wormhole travel? A _bitch_."

"Picachu!" the little animal agreed.

Question grunted, adjusting his singed tie where the animal had accidentally toasted it when it suffered vertigo on the trip through.

"I don't..?" Batman managed to cough out.

"Video information incomplete. Need the care and feeding manual hidden in game four." Question looked around the cafeteria. The animal eyed Wally's fries. Flash quickly downed them.

"Wy ta awad echion," He offered through stuffed cheeks. Question walked away towards the salad offerings.

Wally swallowed and called after him. "Dude, the manual's in game _three_, first level. You want to freeze frame it during the intro scene and click on the star. Don't think this means I've forgiven you for spilling to Bats!" He sighed to Batman. "They're cute, but I'd take it back home straight away if I was him, though. Trust me. Picachus play hell with the apartment appliances." He grimaced. "Especially microwave ovens." Wally spied Fire who was just sitting down to eat. "Excuse me. Yo! Fire!" He sped over to her table past several superheroes who were looking wildly around for the fire extinguishers before figuring out the place was not _on_ fire. "That is _so_ not the way to eat nachos! You need the special hot sauce with those....which I happen to know the Watchtower doesn't have because it's a secret recipe known only to Grandma Flash and yours truly."

Returning to a bemused Batman with a plate piled with greenery and a happily munching picachu, the Question cocked his head at the word _secret_. Flash rolled his eyes at him. "Well, me, gran, and probably a certain nosy detective." Question titled his head in acknowledgment and went back to feeding his alternate reality rabbit.

"However," Wally gave his full attention back to Fire, "that's hardly a problem for someone like, you know, The Fastest Man Alive." He blurred out and returned with a freshly made jar of hot sauce in hand and wearing a chef's apron that sported _Fast Moves & Hot Lips (or Hot Moves and Fast Lips---I'm versatile.)_, making Fire giggle. The two were soon engaged in a lively discussion of their own.

Batman shook his head as he considered Flash. _To think I thought my alter ego disguise of Bruce Wayne--billionaire playboy--was perfect, but I have to admit when it comes to secret identities, he has mine beat._

"Dr. Bruce Banner, noted, yet estranged scientist on the run from secret military forces"--the Flash--"unbelievable."

Behind the mask, Victor Sage smirked. _"Indeed."_

* * *

Well, the truth _is_ out there. (Batman just hasn't quite found it yet.) =P

Honestly, I am trying my hardest not to let this turn into a crackfic. Nor did I intend to really portray Bruce in a less than stellar light. (Well, succeeding in one out of two isn't bad!)


	4. Oh heck

Oh geez... this thing is keeps wanting to veer towards the Crackfic Gutter. It's Wally's influence--I _know_ it!

Finally found some earlier JL clips for Starcrossed. Oh god...Flash+button=growling Batman/cringing Flash...so good!

Eh..first review for this says is confused by ending. Maybe I should mention here that it's reflecting the Justice Lord prophecy that Flash's death will bring about the transformation of Supes into Lord Superman? Google Justice Lords if you aren't familiar with that episode.

I don't own Justice League. Oh, but if wishes were winged horses...

* * *

Chemistry 4

"It's a pity you and Diana had to miss the festivities," Green Lantern said to his companions, but reconsidered his words. "Then again, maybe it is just as well."

Superman--newly returned from his sojourn at his North Pole hidey hole, poured his fellow Founders drinks from his Metropolis apartment living room before asking, "By the way, how is Wonder Woman since..._the incident_?" Lantern and Hawkgirl had filled him in on the details of what had happened at Batman's place, but he hadn't had a chance yet to go see the Amazon for himself. John and Shayera accepted the refreshments--John with a grimace of dismay.

"It was touch and go for a while, but they've finally stabilized her." Green Lantern, warily stared into his drink as if it would rear up and bite him. Lemonade! He didn't wish to be rude, but _really_....did it have to be something _yellow and thus potentially poisonous to my digestive tract?_ Superman could really be thick at times. "J'onn is _fairly_ certain there won't be any lasting mental damage, but they want to let her process the reality of it slowly."

Superman nodded, thankful for his own super Kryptonian ability to take the matter in stride...or as Batman had put it 'to simply fly off to the serenity of his Fortress of Solitude and turn off his brain muscle when it was confronted with an impossibility--_then_ come back when he was ready to face it'. Superman had the vague suspicion Bruce had been deploying sarcasm there, but shrugged it off as just the Batman having a bad day. "It's to be expected. From what you told me, she suffered quite a shock."

"We all did," Green Lantern sighed. "I mean... it was so _un_expected. Imagine Darkseid growing hair and becoming a flower child selling love beads--you get some idea of the scope of it.." The trio of founders shuddered.

"Huntress has informed me The Question had declared himself on '_hiatus_' in an _undisclosed_ location for an _undisclosed_ amount of time," Clark informed them.

Green Lantern chuckled. "Meaning he's hiding." _At least there was some silver lining to be found in this situation._ Too bad this happened after they were regaled with how Santa Claus was actually planting pod people larvae in people's homes disguised as gifts and that reindeer antlers could pick up interstellar phone calls. It was scary how the man's theories were of the same caliber whether he was sober or sloshed on rum cake.

"I imagine so. Batman _is_ rather pissed about the whole "Flash IS Really Bruce Banner" fiasco, Shayera allowed. "Not too crazy myself about the image that idea left my retinas from yesterday's Christmas party." His comment drove a chuckle from Lantern, who nodded.

After Batman's erroneous announcement, Flash--being Flash--couldn't have left well enough alone. It had been quite a sight: a grunting, food color green-dyed Wally running around the Watchtower in nothing but Superman licensed boxer shorts and Hulk Battling Fists. He'd loudly declared that since Batman had _outed_ him, he might as well show his true self: _Me Super Hulk. Me secret identity of Super Stud Alternate Ego Self the Flash (Fastest Man Alive)_. Batman had been steamed enough without Flash's delivering fake punches with the foam gloves which just had to have sound effects built into them. Batman had then _almost_ immediately left for his home to sulk in private---and presumably plot revenge--thus Question's sudden vacation idea.

"Well, this will blow over eventually," Superman sighed. "We should be thankful that the Hulk hasn't shown up and demanded Wally's head." Both men chuckled until they suddenly grew somber. Clark put his hand to his earpiece. "Um, J'onn, you haven't by any chance checked on the recent whereabouts of The Hulk, have you?"

"What do you think I've been up here doing since the party?" came the Martian's harried reply. "I'm on it---and no...no sign of him heading towards Central City....yet. Someone ought to put a leash on Flash before there's a law suit or Batman loses it. I remind you that since the Gotham warehouse fire our part-timer hasn't been able to vent out his frustrations in more subtle ways---which, incidentally, hasn't helped Central City Licensed Merchandise's projected sales income: orders from Gotham have dropped precipitously."

Superman rubbed his forehead and wondered if he'd left his Fortress a tad too soon.

Head bowed in thought, Shayera absently fingered her mace. "They say...they say he might actually be..._smart_." She said the last word like it was heralding the Apocalypse. The males nodded in unison.

"Yeah, you think you know a person," GL sighed, "then suddenly something like _the incident_ happens and you realize the idiot who is daily threatening to turn your hair prematurely white--"

"He's got an i.q. higher than yours," Superman finished, downing his lemonade in one gulp. GL took a big swig from his own cup before remembering what it contained. It was just as well Shayera chose that moment to add to her previous comment or he might have suffered lemonade poisoning.

"The winner of Most Outstanding Forensic Science Apprentice Of The Year three times in a row--and he turned down my marriage proposal!" Shayera wailed into her cup. Beside her, GL let loose a spray of lemonade onto Superman's chest.

_"WHAT?!"_

Clark squinted in confusion as he dabbed himself dry with a napkin. From what he gathered, various members were offering all sorts of ideas on what Flash's _non-hero_ occupation consisted of. There was even a betting pool going on as to what it was---five dollars minimum cash. "How did you learn this?"

"I asked Wally during the party what he really did for a living in exchange for removing the remains of that glove from his mouth after Batman took off. At least, that's what Wally claimed he was after I freed him. Man, that thing was wedged in there tight. You'd think a guy who could eat a whole Dagwood sandwich in three seconds would've been able unhinge his jaw enough---"

"You proposed to...?!"

Shayera's eyes went wide at her ex-lover's glare as she squeaked, "We were _drunk_....a little...at least he must have been as well since he kept alternating between accepting and not before he--"

"HE _ACCEPTED_?!"

Seeing as John was now looking far more like the green Hulk than a dyed Wally could ever hope to attain, Shayera gulped and glanced at Superman. Clark was busy rubbing his aching ears. _No help there._ "Em...gotta go!" She took flight out Clark's window.

Green Lantern crushed his cup in one hand then tossed it aside. Superman winced when it made a dent in the wall.

"GL? Where are you going?"

"Lantern _mad_...go...**smash** Wally." John yanked open the apartment door and stalked out leaving Superman behind to use his heat vision to repair it's broken hinges.

"Well, shoot. J'onn? Superman again. Better tell Fate he needs to re-calibrate his predictions of the future. Just..read my mind. Yeah...we're going to have a vacant spot at the conference table. How do I know if my heat vision can erase his logo from the chair? Superman out."

Clark sighed. He was already out five dollars on his guess that Wally was a paint mixer attendant (those guys were really good at mixing formulas---_gosh, golly_---he'd been so _sure _of winning that pool!) How much was it going to cost him to have all his suits replaced and his personal stationery changed from Clark Kent: Daily Planet Reporter to...?

Well, since it looked like Lex Luthor was the least of Flash's worries, it was all up in the air, wasn't it? Nothing prophesied from before was concrete now. He got out his reporter's pad and started scribbling down possible titles. '_Justice Lord Superman_' never did sound terribly awe inspiring.

"Lord _Almighty_ Superman? Hmm...maybe. Lord _Kick-Ass_ Superman? _Ooo..Better._.."


	5. The world is so slow!

I don't own Justice League. Batman so totally does. He's got the receipt around...somewhere.

Just a warning that this chapter features the thought processes of Wally West. If you get confused, don't blame me. Enter at your own risk.

* * *

Chemistry 5

Everyone at Central City's Police Department's forensic division was hard at work when the door opened to admit the lab's resident red head and most vivacious worker. Singing aloud, Wally West finished one last chorus from his ipod..._"Oh, don't you put me on the back burner, oh no, ya gotta help me out, yeah yeah.."_ before it was switched off. The player was safely pocketed away while his other hand snagged a white lab coat in one graceful move. He jauntily walked by the other workers stations and happily exchanged greetings with them.

"Morning, Tony!"

"Morning, Wally."

"How'z it going, Margie?"

"Going great, Wally."

"What's happen', Rick? How'z the grandkids?"

"Good--and thanks for those Flash and Batman sock puppets--the kids love 'em." Wally flashed him a thumb's up.

"Knew they would." _Pity I can't tell Bruce how much the kids appreciated his 'donation' to the cause of kiddie delight seeing as I already have plans for living through next year. Still, it was worth it....although I'm dying to know why Alfred keeps hot pink thread--possible blackmail material there. Material...thread...pink...pinkmail? Yes, more future arsenal for their Quip Wars. And GL thinks I don't use my brain!_

"How was your holiday get-together?" Rick asked.

Wally instantly switched rails on his speedster thoughts to the slower realm of his coworker world. It had taken months when he'd been younger to stop them ending up in a train wreck when he did that, but he'd gotten the hang of it since then. Usually...if Bats and GL weren't delivering up death glares at the same time. Or if Question said something really, _really, weird_ even for him. Those kind of things could throw anyone off balance.

Treating them all to his patented mega-watt grin, Wally shrugged into his white lab coat. "It was a blast! There was cake and ice cream and pumpkin pie and pasta--" he grimaced for a moment "the green sponge cake had potential, but ended up kind'a hard to swallow...but there was turkey with dressing and oreos, and iced mochas, and pizzas and--"

Margie chuckled as she set the magnification on a microscope. "Figures you're attention would be on the food. God knows how you manage to stay trim with the way you pack it in. As they say you are what you eat, I keep expecting one day to find you wearing the shape of the Pillsbury Doughboy."

_His friends misinterpreted Wally's shudder at the reminder of his dream courtesy of Grodd and his penchant for mind control beanie caps. Really, he was still wondering if there were dirty ape foot prints stamped across his cerebrum from that encounter. Then there was Fate, Dr. Destiny's, and Luthor's little mental trespasses into his noggin. Damned squatters. Sometimes his thoughts still felt muddy from it all. Maybe he needed a brain wash after so many unwanted renters using his head? Not a brainwash, mind--he'd had enough of those. He should see J'onn about creating a mental doormat and sign just in case someone else came knocking? __**No solicitors and wipe your feet before entering.** The only bright spot was that they all now had first hand knowledge as to why The Fastest Man Alive could send those losers flat on their butts! __Who's the man! Oh, yeah!_

_Whoops---now was good for a Slo-Mo Reality Check: his friends would be waiting for him to make some quip. Time to dazzle them with his wit._

"What can I say? I've the metabolism of a race car--_and_ the sporty _good looks_ of one as well that the babes just _love_." Wally winked at Margie who laughed and smacked him on a shoulder.

"Would that be a certain popular movie's red speedster you're trying to emulate? Pity you're lacking actual wheels on that car and that anyone over the age of a babe can see your moves are a bit _rusty_."

"Ouch," Tony snickered. "Sometimes I think you spend too much time fantasizing about being someone else, Wally. You know, like The Fastest Man Alive? Too bad you're not or Margie there wouldn't have been able to shoot you down so easily." They all laughed at the good-natured banter, West enjoying being the catalyst of their having fun in what could at times become tedious work. Not that Wally ever let it become that when his shift was on.

"Dudes, everyone should have _some_ high goal to aspire to," Wally mock pouted. He flexed his muscles just a little, careful not to make them bulge nearly as much as they did when he was his alter ego. "Think I'd make a good Flash, guys? I wouldn't mind getting some of those Lightspeed bars he endorsed."

_Hey, if Clark could get away with regularly disappearing during a crisis and still fool people with just some mousse and those nerdy glasses, what had he to worry about?_

Margie gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek. "Enough about that bottomless pit you call a stomach, Wonder Bread Boy. How was the secondary attractions--you know, the _family_? You said before that they were going all out."

"Oh, yeah, right!" Wally blushed both from the kiss and from having to lie once again about his carefully constructed family. "All the relatives came over." He held up his hands to tick them off on his fingers. "My sister, brother, my mom, dad, Uncle Martin, Uncle & Aunt Dr. Quest and Mari. More cousins and second cousins than you can shake a drum stick at. Even cranky ol' Uncle Batson came in for awhile--though I think he took exception to that sponge cake...kinda left early."

"That's right, you mentioned your relations were holding a big party at some 5-star hotel," Tony smiled.

"Yep." _Though more like a __**League**__ of super stars in an interstellar Motel 6 "We'll leave the light on for you." The Knight manager was a regular stick, too. It was so bogus trying to get time off the duty roster when you were a Founder. Case of Sups giveth vacation packages and Bats taketh away. Oh wait, they were finally getting around to voicing sentences again. Man the world was so slow!_

"Must have been wild with those crazy relations of yours all under one roof. At least you can claim your not related by blood."

Rick looked up, only half interested in the office gossip. "Oh?"

Tony answered for him after getting a nod from Wally who's attention was one quarter on remembering today's cartoons, one quarter on waiting for them to finish verbalizing their thoughts, one quarter on taking care of an itch from where his costume's hood had rubbed his hair the wrong way earlier, one quarter on getting those free food sample coupons mailed in on time, and one quarter on getting started on his job--_this_ one, anyway.

(Okay, so that was _five_ quarters. Piece of cake when your synapses were as fast as his were.)

"West's adopted. His mom's a feminist activist, dad's a boy scout leader, brother's a green beret, sister's a freelance pilot." Tony grinned at Wally, who was busy setting up his work station and checking for the boss's list of assignments for the day. "Uncle Martin's a psychologist from the Old Country...hey, Earth to Wally...what did you say, Batson did?"

Face turned away from them, Wally's eyes widened in momentary consternation at the reminder he'd never come up with a cover story for his personal Alternate Reality Batman. Keeping all these lies straighter than GL's back was a nuisance as he really hated lying. "Um...He...kinda works with...uh...small animals...yeah, that's right. Rats, bats, cats, gnats."

Well, he wasn't _positive_ on the last, but he wouldn't put it past Gotham to have experienced some nasty alien insect plague at some point; and if it had he doubted it would--_**there**__ was where he'd left his Power Puff Girls pen!_--take the form of something as benign as a lady bug invasion. _Lady bug, lady bug, fly away home. The Bats left the belfry and has bataranged your home..dang, what else rhymed with 'home'? Loam? Foam? Tome? Cone? Man, that old Conehead tape of Michael's sure was funny. Not as good as classic Loony Tunes, but still. Where was I?_ Gnats, bats, Bats, fake family history--yeah. Thank the Speedforce for having mental GPS. Never leave home without it!

"Goes spelunking a lot too--a regular cave man," added seamlessly (at least as far as the normal humans could tell.)

"Bats and rats? Ew, " Margie shuddered. "That must make for some fun dinner conversation."

"Well, you could say Bats is just a big playboy party animal at heart--when you can pry him from his work. Too bad he's a workaholic! Speaking of which..." Wally frowned at at the bulletin board. "Guys, how come my work's sheet's blank? I remember requesting tomorrow off, not today. Boss drink too much Christmas punch and forget I exist?"

"No, Mr. West, you'd be rather impossible to forget."

Wally gulped a bit hearing the voice of his employer coming from behind him.

The blond older man snorted humorously at the young man's embarrassment. "In fact, I had you all set to dissect a pile of regurgitated haggis the police suspect might contain a stolen microchip. Pretty sure that's one bit of evidence you wouldn't be tempted to eat unlike those Oreos found at the Thompson case."

Wally's posture slumped as his face clearly showed his dismay of that assignment's outcome. He'd scarfed half of them down before he'd even realized what he was doing and it wasn't like he could explain it away on the habit of spontaneously ingesting J'onn's all the time. Of course the invisible Martian just had to decide to wonder what he was feeling guilty about that day, came down, _and ate the rest_ before before Wally could..eh..stop him. Fortunately, he'd still been able to make a case using the cookie bag itself, but the boss rarely let any evidence that was edible cross Wally's table again.

"However, another city's put in a request to borrow your services for an indefinite period and to attend a conference. Much as I hate to give up our rising star, they were pretty insistent about your going. Even sweet talked the commissioner into okaying it. In fact, they've sent a ride to take you over there. Should be here within the hour."

_Me?" Wally blinked, "Are you sure?" This was unexpected._

"Geez, West, looks like you're finally going up in the world."

"Don't suppose we can get your autograph?"

"Don't let fame and fortune go to your head, Red," Margie playfully ruffled his hair.

Wally stood dumbstruck as his work mates congratulated him. Sure he was used to accolades like this--but as Flash, not regular old West.

"Gotham's hosting a Forensics conference," his boss frowned a little in bemusement. "Darnedest thing; only got notice of it yesterday. I'd love to go myself, but they only extended an invite to you. Been sweet talking your way into a transfer, Wally? You do realize that we know where you live so don't even try to leave us." He smiled to show he was joking. Wally just gave a weak grin in reply.

"I don't know...depends on how good looking the women--" Wally started to automatically reply while he puzzled this out. Maybe he should alert someone at the Watchtower about this development just in case it was a trap of some kind? Shayera? J'onn? They'd probably tell him not to go, but with his assignments wiped clean for the day and Central City's villains currently locked up--he'd seen all the latest videos thanks to his dvd player having Super Fast Forward and all the cartoon replays were just that. Seriously, he was a bit bored and it wasn't even seven yet.

"Wait--did you say Gotham wants me?" Wally frowned a little. "Gotham as in Gotham City Gotham? Home of some of the worst psychos to infest the planet and the most up-tightest hero to ever wear a proprietary costume and who's licensed to use the hottest crime fighting gizmos in existence? That Gotham?"

"So the news stories say."

"SWEET!" Maybe Bats would let him team up with him after hours and they could find some action! His jubilant face flip-flopped into dismay. "Eh..a whole hour?"

_Man, the world was so **slow**!_


	6. Never accept rides from strangers

a/n I don't want to abuse the review option, so could somehow pm me on why Giganta would have ran back to kiss Wally on that last broadcasted episode? Its just I don't recall catching a show where they would have gotten into any sort of romantic situation. Would like to see what I missed. (NOTE: THIS HAS BEEN ANSWERED BY PROTECTOR OF CANON2 IN A REVIEW)

There will be at least one more chapter of this...maybe two if the characters snub my direction like they usually do. (Really, I get as much respect from fictional characters as Wally gets from Batman.) _Edit: Even less. On #8 and counting._

The song excerpts Wally sings are not mine. This is a _fanfic_ written by a _fan author_ who wishes she made 1/10th of what the _actual owners_ of these properties make so she can pay the rent without worry. (Yes, the usual moaning of everyone who posts on FFN.)

* * *

Chemistry 6

_"Footloose--kick off your Sunday shoes! Woowee!"_

Pedestrians looked askance at the young man sporting headphones who was currently singing and dancing with abandon in front of the police parking lot. An obviously hastily made cardboard sign was propped up against the Unloading Zone sign post beside him. Seeing who it was both passers-by and security just smiled and kept on walking. The young man certainly was _unloading_ in his own uniquely _zoned_ out way, so _technically_ he wasn't breaking any rules.

_"Life is a highway, I wanna ride it all day long! If you're going my way, I wanna __**run**__ it all night long!"_

A black limousine pulled up beside him at the curb. The rear window rolled down and a young brunette looked out and noted the words on the sign : **Gotham or **_**so**_** Busted!**

The woman raised an elegant eyebrow. She was told to look for a red-headed man of about her age. Between the hair and the sign, he seemed the likely candidate even though his behavior was more what she'd expect from an adolescent than a man in his twenties.

"You must be Mr. Wallace West?" she asked. The male kept on dancing, eyes shut to the mundane outside world; his existence seemingly reduced to his feet, ears and ipod headset which was blaring loud enough to be heard by her.

_"Can't be late, I leave in plenty of time--shakin' hands with the clock, I can't stop. I'm on a roll and I'm ready to rock! Uh-huh..." [shuffle. air guitar. twirl]_

The woman rolled her eyes before signaling to her driver to wait a moment. She got out of the car and nimbly avoided his flailing limbs. She picked up the sign, musing for a moment before waving it before the red-head. Eyes still closed, he was oblivious. Her own eyes narrowed with annoyance. "Well, it does say Gotham or..."

She used the cardboard to whap him on the side of his skull.

Caught off balanced, a wild eyed Wally crashed to the pavement and onto his butt. He looked up to see a smirking woman standing over him and holding his (now dented) sign. Why did she do that and why was she pretending to be a mime? He rubbed his head where the cardboard had smacked him more out of surprise than any pain.

"What?" She reached down and pulled the headphone ear buds from his aural canals. Well, _that_ hurt. He was too busy ogling the attractive woman to notice it had been more painful than it should because his League earpiece had been snagged onto one of them.

"I _said_, you must be Mr. West," she dourly repeated now that she had his full attention.

"Yeah, so?" Wally scrambled to his feet and dusted himself off. "Oh, um, right..." he glanced at his watch and looked sheepish. "You must be my ride to Gotham City." She indicated the open car door and he got in. She closed the door and walked around the limo to sit down beside him. Within moments they were being driven towards the airport.

* * *

It had been tempting to just run to Gotham. Certainly it would have been much faster for a speedster such as he, but Wally could not come up with an excuse that fit how he got there sans the provided car. He'd also decided not to tell Shayera or anyone else at the Watchtower where he was going on the likely chance they'd want to come along and end up spoiling any fun to be had on this little jaunt. Really, the likelihood he was in any more danger than the average Gothamite was ridiculous. Why bother his team mates for this? Even if there was something nefarious tied to the invite, all he had to do was contact The Watchtower and they'd beam him out of there. Right?

Now his ride was here and despite her looking like one of his hyper-testosterone-ridden fantasies things were not looking so good.

Wally coughed when after they'd traveled past the more public municipal airport and into a private section of it the lady had still not said any further word to him or even looked his way. Usually girls gave him at least a second glance if only out of annoyance. He could work with annoyance; often twist it around into at least a grudging liking. But total ignoring him? It was rather a blow to his ego. Maybe she just wasn't in to red heads? He glanced towards their chauffeur--some white-haired fuddy-dud who probably drove within the lines. Nefarious plot or not so far this was torture, Wally decided. He hadn't been so bored since Dr. Destiny froze everything in his dream--and that had been more colorful than this limo and it's occupants. Maybe if he got out and ran anyway, he'd be able to attend the conference and return without them even noticing he was gone?

He loudly coughed and gave his most brilliant smile in another effort to garner some response. "Uh...remember me? Wally West? You pick up gorgeous guys often?"

She managed to glare at him while looking straight at the back of their driver's head. "Mr. West, I assure you I know your name, address, and how to turn your natural tenor into an instant soprano. Still want to annoy me?"

Wally cringed back without another word. He twiddled his thumbs. Did complex formulas in his head. Mentally revised his month's case load, alphabetized every anime character currently on cable by the voice actor's last and first names, looked out his passenger window and made animal shapes out of passing clouds, then looked back at her while he thought about it. Her current side profile was what he imagined Diane's would look like if she ever contracted PMS.

Nope....he did _not_ want to annoy Ms. Batman-in-a-skirt.

_Man, this chick is like some sort of hybrid of Wonder Woman and Bats with some GL thrown in just to make sure any fun in life is left strangled and wheezing for oxygen. Must be something put in the air special made to make sure all of Gotham stays cranky. Maybe an aerial anti-Prozac by-product of Wayne Tech's so Bats doesn't accidentally crack a smile while patrolling Gotham? Yep, that sounded like something the Dark Knight would do._

In fact, as soon as he had his next shift at the Watchtower, The Flash was going to do a thorough check of it's air circulation system to see if there were any Canned Crankiness aerosol canisters installed. It was the only logical explanation for why Batman failed to crack a smile at even one of Wally's jokes: Bat science.

Finally they pulled next to a solitary ebony jet and a parked sports car. The jet had a loading ramp next to it's side door, ready for passengers. Last chance to win over the Iron Maiden.

"So...what do I call you? I mean, I feel I ought to know you what with you're hitting on me and all," that earned him a glare and an indignant splutter, "with my _sign_." he hurriedly added to in order to save precious body parts from injury.

* * *

Barbara rubbed her forehead, suddenly wishing she'd never answered the phone yesterday. A certain someone was going to owe her big for getting her involved with this.

"My name is Ms. Gordon." She saw the look of recognition illuminate his eyes. A slow grin spread over his expressive face like an incoming tide. "Yes, I'm the police commissioner's daughter."

"_Sure thing_...and I'm really Batman. I suppose my bubbly personality gave me away, but we can still swear each other to secrecy via a kiss." That got a tiny smile from her. For a moment she looked at him with something other than disdain. Wally thought he even saw a glimmer of regret in her eyes, but then the moment was gone and she was scowling again.

_Definitely Bat Science at work._ Question likely knew about it. He'd have to ask.

"Hardly." Ms. Gordon indicated the waiting jet as the chauffeur opened their respective doors for them. "Look, Mr. West, I'm only here because I was asked to make sure you got to Gotham safely." There was that tinge of guilt in her voice again.

"Yeah, about that--," a slightly nervous Wally scratched his ear, strongly reminding himself that---after all--who'd want to kidnap Wally West? Well, okay, _maybe_ the owner of that QwikiBurger place on the corner of 5th and Main who he still owed for those jumbo cheeseburgers that an emergency call from the Watchtower had precluded his picking up. However, a rented limo, jet, and Kill Bill female might be a tad excessive for revenge on a perceived phone order prank.

_Wasn't it?_

"I know I'm good at crime scene analysis and all, but you've got to admit it's kind of strange you people treating me like some sort of royalty or something. What's the gig? Serial killer? Arsonist? Killer Tomatoes? Plan 9 from Outer Space? With some incentive, I might be able to do a passable rendition of Puberty Love, but my Buffy staking skills are a bit rusty." He exited the car at the rather insistent prodding from the unamused driver who seemed intent on herding him onto the plane.

"_Believe me_, I have no idea why you've been requested," Barbara informed him. He noticed she made no move to follow him up the ramp nor was the chauffeur indicating she should do so. He paused several steps up.

"Aren't you coming?"

"No."

"Oh." A disappointed Wally walked up the ramp and into the plane, thus missed her stopping the old man from immediately following after by grabbing his arm.

"He's seems sweet enough. What's he done?" she hissed into his ear. Cold eyes glanced pointedly at his arm until she let go. Barbara bit her lip, drawing conclusions. "That boy's not guilty of anything criminal, is he? Why is _he_ involved in this then?" She knew there were no current cases with a witness in need of extra protection, nor did the man she'd just special delivered strike her as a super criminal requiring special handling. The driver stalked up the ramp and closed the jet door after him without a backwards glance. Barbara growled to herself before getting into her sports car and driving off, praying _he_ would not hurt the poor kid too badly...whatever he'd done to get on the man's bad side.

Wally shivered a little as the chauffeur silently traded his driver's hat for that of a pilot's gear. Before entering the cockpit, the man pointed at the front passenger seat, indicating West should buckle himself in for takeoff. He did so and heard the buckle lock into place with a decided 'click'. The sound reminded Wally of a gun being readied to shoot. Of it's own accord his right foot started a nervous staccato on the jet's carpeted floor causing the fibers to smolder before he noticed the damage he was doing.

Okay, regardless of who they thought he was this was seriously getting too creepy! Maybe _now_ would be a good time to let someone know where he was?

_"Wally, to Starship Enterprise," _he quietly muttered_._

No response._  
_

He held a hand to his ear and...felt just skin. Eye's wide, Wally realized to his horror that the League device was gone from his ear. Had the woman or driver somehow removed it? The probability of foul play was now streaking skyward. He needed to get out of there!

Sweating hands went down to the restraining belt only to discover that he could not get the buckle to release. Instead, a tube dropped down before his face. It released white gas which quickly filled his protesting lungs.

_Well, damn. Should have got a bank loan for those burgers. GL's never going to... let... me....... hearrrr.... thhhheee.... ennnnd... offf... thhhhh..._

* * *

tbc


	7. Torture

_a/n _Glomps Wally. Motor Mouth's MINE! MINE, damnit! Beats off DC execs with a Funoodle.

Okay, not mine. DC owns all the really good stuff here.

(edited typos on April 23, 2009)

_

* * *

  
_

Chemistry 7

Sitting languidly in his study, Bruce sipped his tea with a satisfied air.

True, Babs had been a bit of a pain at first, (calling up every phone line in the mansion even after he'd pointedly kept hanging up on her) insisting he tell her why he'd had Mr. West kidnapped. A pity he'd had to use Barbara in order to lure the easily infatuated Wally into a sense of complacency, but it had seemed necessary to keep Flash from bolting early. Of course he hadn't bothered to explain the reasons for his behavior to her. Why should he?

Well, fortunately, he had Batcall waiting installed at the mansion and had temporarily locked out her number so for now Bruce was relaxing in a bit of peace and quiet, contemplating his next move. He checked the clock and allowed himself a small smile.

It had been several hours. By now Wally should be utterly traumatized, yet truly clueless as to who his real tormentor was...for the time being. He sipped his tea again, enjoying the smooth taste. When life was good, Life. Was. Good.

There was a soft rap on the door. Ah...that would be his ally's status report.

"Come in."

Even knowing what was going on (it was his idea after all), Bruce couldn't help having to squelch a little start when the shadowy figure of The Scarecrow entered his upstairs sanctuary.

"He's in the unused laboratory as you instructed. I did what you said...down to the letter," the Scarecrow informed him with his creepy voice. Bruce nodded.

"Very good."

"Not really, sir." The skinny villain reached up and took of the floppy hat and gruesome mask. Bits of straw knocked loose from the 'hair'. With a put-upon sigh, the figure bent down to pick up the offending material from his costume and tossed it into a trash receptacle. "Sir..." he began then uttered a sound of annoyance. Alfred removed the voice modulator from his throat: that particular vocalization was _not_ befitting one of a proper British butler when speaking with his employer. "Sir, I must admit that although I personally approve of getting _some_ comeback what with how Mr. Wallace nearly obliterated me that time with the Thanagarians....making me wear this ridiculous outfit is a bit wearying." He eyed another wayward bit of straw with disdain. "How the real Scarecrow manages to keep _his_ floors presentable is a mystery to me."

Bruce took another sip of his tea. He'd have donned the infamous criminal's likeness himself, but Alfred's physique was more suited for this masquerade.

"Duly noted, Alfred. I'll add a little something extra to your weekly paycheck to make up for it."

"_I should hope so_, sir. Villainy--real or otherwise--was not in my original contract." Alfred paused. "Master Bruce, I realize that your methods are _sometimes _beyond me, however..." Wayne firmly set down his tea cup and fixed his manservant with a determined frown.

"He _deserves_ this torture, Alfred. You agreed to let me do this _my_ way."

"Oh indeed, sir. However, I was under the impression my little part in this endeavor was to instill some--and I quote---'_hopelessness and terror until his mind is putty in my hands_'. I would not have thought the device would provide the young man a sense of...well_...gaiety_?" With a practiced move, Alfred stepped out of the way as the multi-billionaire bolted from his chair and over to his desk to bring up a monitor. The light from the screen hi-lighted Wayne's grinding teeth as his inner Batman seethed.

_Oh dear._ Alfred made a mental note to schedule Master Bruce another dental appointment and to make sure the teeth guard was situated prominently at the man's bedside table.

* * *

Batman stalked into the laboratory. He went straight over to where his bound captive was nearly hidden by an experimental Virtual Reality suit. The red-head's spacious grin under the head gear and the laughter were not though--_hidden_ that is.

Damn the man's ability to screw up a plan without even trying!

_No._

No, it was his own fault this hadn't worked, Wayne realized. He'd only given thought to the fact that Wally, John, and Shayera enjoyed violent movies and video games. That genre was easily dismissed; but he wasn't sure on the others, so he'd opted for experiences that his childhood had found exceedingly boring and Wally hated being bored. It had seemed perfect at the time.

Sloppy of him to fail to consider the sheer unpredictability that was Wally West and that his nemesis might _like_ to watch what Batman considered mind-numbing drivel.

In hindsight, he also should have been suspicious when Tim had laughingly agreed to his choices for softening Wally up before the main event. He'd not thought that Tim's snickering was at his _benefactor's_ expense rather than Flash's.

_You'd think my protege wouldn't have missed one lousy game disk even if it did apparently house a hidden inter-dimensional wormhole in an Easter egg._

With a scowl, Batman turned the should-have-been_ torture_ device off and removed the helmet from West.

"Won't...you..be..my...neighbor?" At least that _sounded_ like what Wally was happily murmuring.

Batman frowned--mightily. "Flash."

"Hey...where'd_everyon_ego? St'gotta sing'b-day song to the number _four_..." Dark green eyes blinked. They slightly unglazed, and fixed on his face. "_Wha-? _Hey, Count, dude..._Batman's_ in Sesame Street! You invite him to count your bats with us? S'cool," the redhead sleepily mused on the novelty of it all before his brain kicked out the last of the VR dreams. Pure joy filled his eyes at the sight of his League friend.

"Bats!" Wally shouted in happy exclamation, "you came to rescue me! How'd you know where I was being held? Heck--you're _Bats_--'course you were tracking down the Scarecrow. _In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight!_--er, no--that's GL's line. Anyway, bet you were surprised to find _yours truly_ here seeing as I didn't tell anyone I'd been invited to Gotham. Sure didn't plan on getting kidnapped as _regular_ Wally, but here you are, lucky for me! Not that I wouldn't have gotten away eventually--Fastest Man and all--but talk about serendipity." He took a quick breath and began again before Batman could respond to any of that.

"You know that Scarecrow guy isn't near as all bad as you make him out to be---I thought all your villains were of the ultra creepy violent persuasion? Is that some sort of propaganda to make you look even more bad assed? [sly wink.] Anyway, there I was with this rag guy cackling over me and wondering what I'd gotten myself into because he was acting all weird like and fretting over falling straw of all things, but the next thing I know I'm with Mr. Rogers at his Neighborhood and he's showing me his really neat train set and this puppet government. I mean _literally_ a puppet government! Then my new pal--that's Mr. Rogers--introduced me to the King! Dude, I got to meet with _royalty_! Well, I mean besides Diana. _Anyway_, then suddenly I was singing with Elmo---whose also a fun-loving red head---yep, and trading jokes with Ernie. Ernie's a _blast_. (Did you know, Bats, you and Bert are a lot alike? He's got a glare just like yours). The best part--_the absolutest best_---was scarfing down cookies with The Cookie Monster in an eating contest. He eats nearly as fast as me, but I'm faster, of course. Oh---then Grover came flying by with this red cape on and holding the letter S. I think he's _seriously_ a fan of Superman's---won't Clark just get a kick out of that--" a bat glove fell firmly over his mouth, effectively silencing the chatter.

"Wally, I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation."

"Oh...yeah, you probably need to hurry and catch The Scarecrow. I'd love to help, too, but I'm sorta late for this convention I'm supposed to go to and all." He glanced down. "Hey, Bats, I know it's police evidence and you being a stickler for rules, but since were such good pals, do you think I could have this suit for movie nights with--um...Bats? What's with the aerosol can?" Wally's eyes flew open as a grimacing Batman sprayed something into his face, causing the young hero's world to quickly darken.

_Well, wasn't this just deja-vu?_

* * *

"..zzz..foot massage? sure...oh yeah, baby..right there...zzz..."

_Even when asleep he's annoying._

"Wake up!"

"Huh?" Wally muttered, eyes closed. Was it time for work already? He tried to stretch, but found his arms and legs immobilized. Recent memory started kicking in.

Uh oh.

Had The Scarecrow evaded Batman and returned to take them both out or...?

_Batman holding a spray can to his face._

Inwardly sighing, Wally did a quick check on what he could hear and feel of his new situation.

_If stuff like this keeps making me late, I am so never going to get invited to another forensic conference._

_Let's see..._

_Bats twittering in the background? Check._

_Bat level restraints around his limbs? Check._

_Bat computer clicking in the background. Check._

That certainly narrowed his whereabouts down to one scary possibility.

Wally opened his eyes against his better judgment.

_One angry humanoid hovering over me wearing patented Batman ensemble complete with Bat-Glare? Double check. Yep, he was trapped in the--_

"_Batcave of Doom_."

"Consider The Neighborhood and Sesame Street closed for permanent inner-city renovations." Batman almost smiled.

"Um...Bats?" Wally did his best to look utterly innocent of any wrong doing. It might buy him a second or two before Batman ripped him a new one for whatever had ticked him off now.

"Don't you mean, _Uncle Batson_? the Dark Knight growled. "I'd think my _nephew_ would remember his grumpy--batty-relation?" He smirked at Wally's wide eyed look of panic. "I told you I'd find out."

"How?" Wally's curiosity managed to claw it's way above his fear. Frankly, he'd expected Batman would have discovered it long ago, but then Gotham was a busy place so Wally had figured Bruce just hadn't had the spare time.

"An award-winning forensic scientist three years standing---you figure it out...Wonder Bread Boy." Batman flipped open a Wally's wallet and pulled out a card-sized item. "Answer your question?" Wally peered at it and blushed.

"Heh...totally forgot about those. Darned high-tech photo radar cameras."

Puzzled by this unexpected reaction, Bruce turned the 'card' around. It was a small stack of overdue speeding tickets made out for a full-sized van. He growled and shoved it back into the leather accessory's pocket, this time pulling out the correct one. Wally glanced at the photo i.d belonging to Wallace Rudolph West with the words Property of Central City Forensics printed along the top. The picture was a close-up of his giving the camera man a thumb's up and grin---similar to the one he was wearing now.

"Grandma always did say I was photogenic." The grin faded. "Is that what this is all about--kidnapping me just to get my wallet? Geez, Dude, you really took things to the extreme even for you." He sighed in resignation.

"Okay, so you know my day job, so congrats--hey _wait a sec_..." Wally frowned, remembering Bruce's earlier comment. "Did you bug my workplace? Damn, Bruce, you did--you bugged the police lab!" His anger at having a relatively private Wally-only place violated morphed into confusion. "But that means you knew before you rifled my wallet---which by the way was _so not cool_, Bats---and since Question wouldn't give me away....you can't have known where to go unless..." Wally sighed, putting the pieces together. "_Shayera_."

Well, they did say sisters were annoying. It seemed that counted even for non-blood related ones.

Batman hid his surprise at Wally's display of deductive reasoning--it was actually logical. "Just so you know, you're engagement to her is off unless you want her to be a widow by the afternoon of the wedding."

"Engagement? Hey, I was _drunk_!" He cringed at the look Batman gave him. "Just a little...while off duty. Man, Bruce, you know I don't think that way about her." (Well, not since she first introduced him to that mace.)

"Tell that to her green-eyed beau. Last I saw John, he was practicing tombstone engravings of your name using his ring.

_Great..so much for a rescue via The Green Lantern._

You certainly have a knack for pissing off the wrong people," Bruce was smug---rather unnecessarily in West's opinion.

"Maybe it's hereditary, _Uncle_?" Wally quipped back. He winced when he saw that Bruce was not amused in any way by the idea they might have shared any ancestor since post-Neanderthal times. "Okay, so like I said, you know my day job now. Fun's fun....but, I've got a convention to go to--special invite and all---so..?" He shrugged as best he could in the restraints.

Batman folded his arms. If anything, his smirk became even more smirky, yet still stopped short of an actual smile. Behind him, Alfred--now back in his normal costume--was setting up a speaker's podium and placing a chest next to it.

"Oh, your not late, _Wallace_--for once. This _is_ the conference and it's about to start." He gestured towards the podium. "You are correct, Mr. West, that you are the special guest; however, I'm the sole speaker in it seeing as it's conception was born to benefit _me_." He leaned in closer. "First day's itinerary: The Flash: A Study In Ineptitude."

Wally scowled. "Hey, I resent that." Bruce ignored him.

"I'm going to lecture my captive audience of one on the do's and don'ts of detective work in excruciating detail. Listen well, as there will be a quiz afterward. Before the day is out you will remember and be able to recite back to me _every. single. stupid. thing. you. have. ever. done_ and how it could have been _avoided_."

Alfred came up beside the red-head bearing a filled tea cup. "Before the lecture starts, Master Wallace, may I offer you some refreshment?" Wally opened his mouth to accept--before he saw a piece of straw sticking out of the butler's hair--as well as the cup. His eyes narrowed.

"I'll pass. Maybe the Tin Man over there would like some, though, seeing as his heart has already rusted out anyway."

"Suit yourself, sir. I'm told intermission will not be for two hours." Alfred paused. "I may have played the part of The _Scarecrow_, Master Wallace, but I'm hardly the one here who lacks a brain."

"Yeah, well I hope Toto there pees on your leg," Wally mumbled to Alfred, glancing in the direction of the T Rex.

A clearly affronted Alfred stiffly walked out of sight, sipping from the rejected tea cup. Wally sighed. He should not have done that even if he'd had the presence of mind to at least keep quiet on the Pinkmail thing. Especially as he had no magic ruby red slippers to get him out of this mess and the Tin Man was wearing an aura of evil that outdid that of the Wicked Witch before she released those evil monkey minions. Man, he hated simians. Oh gods! Did Batman keep evil monkey minions as well as bats? He swallowed.

_Where was a Good Fairy when you needed one? (Probably home polishing her mace for the wedding.)  
_

"Ahem...shall we begin this conference with the latest Flash Folly?"

Reluctantly, Wally turned his attention to Bruce.

During his talk with Alfred, Batman had meanwhile gone over to the chest and pulled out a rubber mask that had white hair. Wally blushed a little, recognizing the features of the chauffeur driver and pilot. "Survival Mishap #1: Flash's naivety in not looking beyond the surface. Never go out anywhere or with anyone suspicious without letting the Watchtower know."

"Yeah, but Bats..." Flash whined.

Batman shot him a death glare in warning.

"Proximity of a pretty face does not lesson the importance of #1. In fact, it should _hi-light_ it." Wally felt his blush deepen and thought he just might be doing a lot of that today.

"Lesson _#2_. Never go anywhere near Gotham City city limits without my express invite."

"Er...it _was_ you who invited me to this, so..."

Batman left the podium to go over to his prisoner in such a manner that caused the speedster's eyes to widen incrementally with each step.

"Mr. West, I recall mentioning that I was the sole speaker in this." He stuck a warning finger in Wally's scared face, "_Don't interrupt!"_ He stalked back to the podium and exchanged the mask for another item.

"Rule #3..." Batman now held up Wally's iPod headphones between a thumb and an index finger while modifying his vocal tones in order to more precisely paraphrase Obiwan Kenobi. "Your League _earpiece_ is your life," Bruce mocked. "_Don't lose it._" One of the ear buds had the mentioned communicator securely wedged into it's foam pad. Wally felt the expected blush return.

_So that's where it had gotten to._

"Well, technically, I didn't lose it...just misplaced it...a bit." Oh man---Bruce had that scary movie doctor face he'd perfected to go along with the growling voice of doom.

"You're _in-ter-rup-ting_ again. Any further disrespect to the speaker will be dealt with harshly."

"Sorry?" Wally squeaked.

Batman leered with a sense of perverse triumph. "_That_ counts." Alfred stepped out of the shadows and handed the Dark Knightmare an economy-sized bag of Double-Stuffed Fudge Oreos. With deliberate slowness, Batman opened the sealed bag and drew out a single cookie like Catwoman might remove a precious diamond from a museum case. He slowly brought it to his mouth proceeded to eat it with exaggerated relish.

Wally sweated, the sights and sounds of the yummy junk food filling his senses with desire; his tummy rumbled in want. Batman languidly licked the chocolate from his fingers. West practically whimpered the need for chocolate on his own fingers. Every last bit gone, Batman handed the bag back to Alfred to seal up.

"For every transgression on your part, another Oreo will be deducted from your intermission lunch."

"That's so totally not fair!" a scandalized Wally blurted before his eyes widened at what he had done. Sure enough, Alfred opened the seal so Batman could devour another of the precious cookies. He shut his mouth with a snap and tried to think of just how many things Batman had called him on during the time they'd known each other.

_Oh dear gods_. If a truly pissed off John had added his own input for this--and it seemed he may well have--this stupid conference thing was really going to run into _triple overtime_. He'd starve! This had to be a nightmare. Forget the Good Fairy. Only the Swedish Bikini Team and their chef were good enough to get him out of this.

Back at the podium, Bruce hoped Flash would remember to keep silent or he was seriously going to need some glucose suppressant to wash down those Oreos. Just two and already he felt jittery. Relishing the taste of super-strength dextrose had to be one of he biggest acting jobs he'd ever undertaken, but what other type of punishment stood to work on an untamed speedster? His iron will was legendary. He was The Batman.

He would most definitely not fall prey to a sugar high!

In the shadows, a worried Alfred fretted.

_Madness. Pure madness._

Wayne might have an iron will, but Alfred doubted West did. If West stayed true to nature, his young master would likely be swallowing his pride along with those bourgeois confectioneries before this was over. He was glad he'd taken the time to procure an emergency stomach pump...just in case.

Unknown to each other, both heroes and one butler had the same thought running through their heads:

_This is going to be a long day._


	8. Batman goes too far

A/N: Once again my Wally muse thinketh to death so no rescue yet. A pity my Bruce muse didn't think of duct tape; but then, I suppose Wayne Enterprise doesn't stock it.

**Edit: Thanks to Protector of Canon2 for the review of chapter 6 wherein lies the answer to Giganta's kissing Wally at the end of Destroyer.**

(edited for typos: April 23, 2009)**  
**

* * *

Chemistry 8

"Leaping into a mirror shard without knowing where it would lead to...Blah, blah, blah...yakkity-yak..blah."

Now Wally knew why the butler always looked like he was suffering. Who could blame the man if he'd had to put up with _this_ for who knew how many years?

West had never felt so bored in his life. Unable to escape---and don't think he hadn't tried vibrating out of there---his only chance for survival had simply been blocking out the noise coming from the podium. For the most part, he'd been successful. However, every now and then his ears would hear that distinctive _crinkling_ sound cellophane bags made and send the information straight to his stomach--which would summarily forward the info directly into his brain to remind that organ that he'd already missed brunch, second brunch, early lunch and the all-important pre-lunch appetizer. The growled complaints sounded so much like The Batman's own that the process of reverse feedback would draw his hearing to return to Bruce's lecture until the sounds again melded into so much mush.

_Crinkling_ bags of Mush. Oatmeal. Palatable enough with lots of cinnamon sugar cereal thrown on top. A whole _crinkling_ paper box worth with chocolate milk Oreos happily swimming the backstroke into his waiting mouth...

_Wha?_

Damn. Bruce was still carrying on.

"Irresponsible destruction of the...yackkity,.. [growl] ...yackkity... blah, blah, [rumble] ...yakkity... insulting a first contact... blah-blah-blah..."

_Sheesh. Feeling his hair grow at it's normal hyper rate was less boring than listening to Bruce. (Which reminded him he needed to visit the barber's again.)_

_Wayne had no future in anything that entailed public speaking. His manner lacked wit. His enunciation was flat when not threatening you with injury, and the ability to hold his audience's attention was just plain absent unless binders were employed in advance._

Normally, Wally was a limelight junkie. He would have been just thrilled over being the object of so much attention. Hell, he lived for it like he lived for triple stacked submarine sandwiches with everything including the olive garnish.

Growing up in an orphanage meant that meals were not exactly feasts. It also meant you only got noticed from the rest of the herd if you did something off-the-wall on a fairly regular basis.

Anyone who thought Wally Rudolph West was a slacker had never been there when he was growing up under city auspices. Once the rules were shown, Wally had wasted no time honing half-baked juvenile delinquent ideas to perfection. Hours had been spent over joke books. Mischief--_escapades--_was honed into an art form. Wally diligently sought to be crowned the best-liked class clown in the history of Central City and succeeded. By seven he downright _excelled_ at it. (Okay, sometimes he thought he might have overdone it as his lower brain would kick into idiot mode without even a conscious nudge from his upper one; but, hey, nobody was perfect.)

The others seemed to understand his harmless need to stand out. Green Arrow even sought his advice on the League (well, on pranking it, but that was besides the point.)

They hadn't kicked him off the Watchtower...recently. Not _permanently_. Okay, Batman had threatened it after berating him for 'defacing' his Founder's chair by painting a lightning bolt on it--sure; but Bruce had only sent him on a week's vacation with a strong stipulation that he not set foot on the Watchtower during that time. Still, even getting snarled at by an angry Batman was usually a win as Bruce hardly ever noticed him otherwise. Which was unfair as Wally really looked up to Bruce. He was an important part of his surrogate family, after all: a stern uncle who pretended to be irritated by his nerdy nephew.

Oh yes, Bats liked him well enough despite his raging pitbull manner---Wally was sure of it. Batman just didn't want to ruin his bad ass reputation amongst the junior Leaguers by showing how he really felt. Behind it all they were best buds. Comrades in spandexed arms.

However, this...this dark figure droning on and on about insignificant things from the past few years...about stuff that as far as Wally was concerned was ancient history? This was not the same 'good old standup guy' Bats. Nope, this was Batman with a bad case of male 'pms'. (He'd read about that somewhere and was fairly certain it was from a science paper and not the plot of a comic strip--because the comic strip had mentioned pregnancy and he was pretty sure Bats wasn't hosting a bun in the oven. So logically it had to have been the science paper.)

Be that as it may---Bats feeling out of sorts from hormonal imbalance or just from having woke up on the wrong side of the bed---Wally felt justified this whole thing was gone a bit over the speed limit.

So _what_ he'd once fallen prey to the machinations of a Planet of the Apes reject? Twice. How many times had Batman had to deal with confronting talking monkeys committing a carjacking? Or gotten into his head---_and_ getting framed the same day for theft? He'd stopped Grodd in the end, hadn't he? The final analysis that sent the crook into the pen with just a banana and a tire swing was all that really _crinkled_.

_Banana skins crinkling in the morning light. Skyrockets in sight..afternoon delight--_

_Damn. Bruce was still on a tangent.  
_

"Telling Fire to drop you without a clue as to what you were going to do to...yakkity-yakkity...blah..blah..."

Wally tuned it out. Where was he?

Oh.

There was that time he'd found the Batplane wing that Bruce had so carelessly sheered off when they were up against The White Martians. If he hadn't lugged it back up the mountainside to hand it back to Batman, what would he have done---called a taxi service? Of course Bruce didn't remember stuff like that. Wally didn't even get a thank you. Or get to pair up with the hot chick in the skimpy outfit.

Of course not....no.

Bruce the Prude who made sure _he_ got teamed up with Wonder Woman when Flash had clearly called dibs first.

Yeah, he'd made a few mistakes as both Flash and as Wally back then. He'd been a kid. Heck, Batman had been a kid. Alfred had even allowed the Dark Knight had once worn diapers---so there must have been a history of little Master Bruce _accidents_ at one time, right? You'd think the man would exhibit some _empathy_.

_Bet he'd gotten tripped by that cape the first time running with it on_, Wally sulked, "maybe even stuck his batarangs in---wherever he kept those thing on his suit---in the wrong way.

Bats didn't give him credit. He'd grown up. _He was way more mature now._

* * *

Bruce crinkled the bag in his hand again until he saw the vacant eyes unglaze. He smirked. The sound of protesting plastic was quite effective in re-gaining Flash's wandering thoughts. The young man certainly had an advanced case of Attention-Deficit Disorder. Unfortunately, Wally also had a bad habit of mumbling to himself when his thoughts were elsewhere. Naturally, Bruce had been forced to eat a cookie each time this happened. Rules were rules. _Even if this particular rule was starting to turn his stomach._ No matter. Batman would prevail. He clamped down on the slight shaking that had started in his fists.

Batman _always_ prevailed.

Even if his pancreas didn't.

* * *

"Your ego has nearly gotten you killed more than once and by the very sex you claim adores you. This chauvinistic attitude towards every half-way beautiful woman is disgraceful. No wonder the Amazons won't have anything to do with Man's World if they first encountered males like you."

Wally opened his mouth, but realized he had no real argument on that last one other than he held zero issues on being an unabashed admirer of women. (Well, he had one _good_ rebuttal, but it involved a particular Amazon and he didn't want Bruce to go totally Batty on him at a time he couldn't run to the safety of a distant archipelago.) _Trying to explain hyper-hormones to someone like Bruce who was so straight-laced his libido probably bore line indentations on it whenever Wonder Woman walked in? Nope---so not going to go there. It wasn't worth the cost of yet another Oreo._ Speaking of which, He'd given in to temptation too much already. Time to show that inner maturity no matter how painful. Yep, not another word was going to pass these zipped lips! He was mum. A statue. A mime. A mute. He was wearing Question's mouthlessness.

Wally was emphatically not going to point out to Bruce that Diana couldn't help ruffling his 100% organic red hair whenever he wasn't wearing his costume hood.

It _really_ was unfortunate that at that moment an eavesdropping J'onn's concentration slipped just as Bruce felt a glucose spike.

"I knew it!" A seething Batman grab yet another of the Oreos from the nearly empty bag and bite down on it making Wally gasp in surprise.

"Hey--I didn't say anything that time!"

"But you were thinking to!" Bruce took yet another cookie, growling, "This is for making my Diana believe you're so puppy-dog cute, you damned brick-_red_ head! Speaking of--I bet you're making it grow longer on purpose just to flaunt it in my face! Don't you know how close I am to shaving it off with a batarang?"

_Only the fact that Diana would know why and hang him by his bat ears from the landing gear of a moving javelin had stopped him from making Wally's head as aerodynamic as that of his alter ego._

"I..._what?!_" Wally didn't know what to react to first...the consumed Oreo or the accusation and threat. He decided on the stronger of the them--the food.

Bats had eaten an Oreo without provocation. Wally realized with despair that it didn't matter any more what he did or didn't do. It was too late. Batman was under the Thrall Of The Sugar Cane Derivatives. His virgin taste buds overwhelmed and taken over by sweetener-laden, food-grade pharmaceuticals that even Bat-honed willpower could not resist. He, Wally Rudolph West--beloved of cute girls everywhere---was doomed to starve in this dark tomb without so much as a beautiful Swede bearing a tray of iced mochas to console him.

Well, if Bats was going to be this _nasty_, the gloves were off! (Figuratively speaking.)

"There was the whole endorsement fiasco that you claimed Wonder Woman had started first," Bruce blithely went on, certain that would garner a defensive response. Typically enough, Wally's mouth engaged before his brain even got out of second gear--though with far more venom than Bruce had ever heard The Flash speak with.

"That's--! _Hey--liar, liar, pants on fire!_" Wally emphatically shook his head. "I did not say that! I only said it did seemed _suspicious_. It was J'onn who wanted to know why they were called _The Wonder Bra_."

Wayne's thoughts couldn't help traveling for a moment on how adorable Diana had appeared in her befuddlement when she first learned the lingerie's name. Bruce had looked forward to explaining the items uses with the Amazon. In private. Over candle light dinner.

Damn The Fastest Mouth Alive for being so...fast. Wally had zoomed in and explained it all in two uncouth seconds before anyone could stop him.

_"It makes ordinary boobs seem perfect--like yours."_

_Gag.  
_

Poor, naive, Diana had been delighted at the notion that other women wanted to look like she did and had given Wally a peck on the cheek. Yes, Shayera had then gone and informed Diana that the term _boobs_ was not socially acceptable causing Diana to then swat Flash into a wall for being 'a male', but _damn it_ that had been _his_ peck on the cheek Wally had stolen!

"You can't deny your Lightspeed energy bars pitch for monetary reimbursement caused the League considerable embarrassment with the public," Batman growled before absently popping another of the confections in his mouth. "You can barely afford to feed yourself and pay the rent. You are also responsible for a quarter of the Watchtower food budget."

Odd how at some point the sugary stuff had ceased to be quite so nauseating and was starting to taste goo--_acceptable_.

"Geez! You're so obsessed with my life that you've tracked all my food bills and on-duty snacks? Excuse me for having the healthy appetite of a growing superhero---speaking of which, you don't have my metabolism and I bet that cookie is going to go straight to your middle-aged paunch. I can see the new toy accessory adverts now: Batman Spare Tire...not for use with Batmobile. Lean and Mean Batman not included. Half-Off Weight Watchers Special Coupon Offer Enclosed. Anyway, GL already made me drop Artie, so _stuff_ it."

Bruce barely restrained himself from offering to stuff Wally with a knuckle sandwich. The nerve of the kid suggesting he was getting out of shape!

"Exactly" Batman snarled. "It took _John_ to make you see how your self-centered foolishness was besmirching the League's reputation." He subtly gauged his abdomen while eating yet another Oreo.

He was not getting fat. It was just a..._a trick of the lighting_.

Too many damned shadows in here, that's all. Must remind Alfred to change the fluorescent to something softer.

"Bats, remember back in Las Vegas when The Joker hid all those bombs and you were giving me directions on how to diffuse mine? Well, just between you and me--I cut more than the four wires you said to--and I'm still alive!"(1)

"What? You irresponsible carrot stick! Even when not on a mission you display lack of forethought. For instance, at home you keep a supply of uniform rings in a nightstand where anyone can easily find them and draw assumptions!"

"You and Question maybe...most _normal_ people don't go through my furniture set," Wally snapped back; privately thinking _(Man, I wish I had a girl friend to go through my furniture set.)_ "I mean, it's not like my apartment is some dead giveaway that it houses a superhero," the now thoroughly frustrated speedster pointed out. "Like...oh..say..." he looked about his surroundings "a friggin _tricked out BatCave_ complete with stuff that prefixes with 'Bat'! Honestly, what is with that? Do you start out the day putting on a pair of Bat socks and Bat boxers before taking up the ol' Bat toothbrush and loading it up with a dollop of Bat toothpaste? And how come nobody has figured out that the most high-teched, Dilbert-company-owning, _billionairist_ billionaire in Gotham who disappears at odd hours all the time---"

Batman snatched up and chewed another cookie into a pulp.

Swallowed.

Both men became instantly drawn to the fact that there was only but _One. Last. Oreo_ left in the bag.

Slowly, Batman pulled out The Very Last Oreo. His intense consideration of it made an anxious Wally started vibrating like a jackhammer.

"_B-Bruce_?" Wally tried to sound aggressive, but couldn't stop the wobble in his voice. Batman ignored him. Wally sweat-dropped. "Bruce this has gotten ridiculous. You're not exactly Mr. Perfect, either, you know."

Oreos... The things were giving him the sort of reaction that made Bruce sure that Question had an entire file devoted to Nabisco alone. He wavered between eating it or not. This last cookie could be the straw that broke the Batman's already dented willpower. Dare he chance it?

"D-d-don't y-y-you d-d-**dare**!" Wally warned him. "Don't you--"

Eyes narrowed to slits, Batman forced down the last Oreo. Wally gave a strangle scream. Bruce shuddered as the sugary lard hit his abused stomach. Looked at the emptied bag. Crumbled it in one hand. "I feel...I feel. _Alfred_?"

"Sir?" Alfred immediately stopped his clandestine scratching.

"Intermission. Something's coming--_come_ up. I need to...settle some things before I continue."

"Shall I get you your lunch, sir?" the butler asked in a slyly disapproving tone. _Or the stomach pump?_ A diligently prepared gourmet meal--now undoubtedly cold--waiting in the kitchen, but Master Bruce just had to ruin his appetite by snacking before meal time. Between that and the growing possibility he was allergic to haystack straw... Alfred was feeling somewhat unsympathetic.

The Dark Knight blanched at the thought of adding anything more into his jittery stomach. "No. I'll be upstairs for a bit. Just...bring something to drink. My mouth seems unreasonably dry."

"Imagine that. I'll just bring over a pot of tea..." he finished in a quieter voice "just as soon as I avail myself of some calamine lotion."

* * *

Footnote (1): It's true. I read it in a JL website. First season JLA story Wild Cards has a screenshot blooper where after Batman tells Flash exactly which wires to cut they show more cut than were instructed. Either Flash knew more about diffusing a bomb than Batman or he was very lucky. Either way, there was a serious _oopsie_ involved there.


	9. This is the best you could do?

**A/N:** Warning that parts get a little frisky. I did put this at PG-13.

(edited typos: April 23, 2009)

* * *

Chemistry 9

Mind whimpering in denial, Wally eyed the empty, wadded up Oreo wrapper that Bruce had flung into the nearest Bat trash receptacle. Batman had retreated upstairs with Alfred, temporarily leaving him alone with just the twittering bats above his head and a guilty conscience within it. Wally felt bad for blowing up at Bruce. It wasn't the man's fault he was suffering from male PMS and therefore ate all the Oreos in a fit of misdirected angst.

West yawned, shame and hunger-induced sleepiness offering a temporary escape from his predicament and the lingering smell of Oreos...

* * *

_The Three Oreo Gods were upset with them. Fatman had ate the entire audience at Cellophane City's Snack Convention and now Fats would pay for the crime with his life. Wally had pleaded with the trio of large, round deities (with the extra cream filling) to no avail. Even citing the fact that Fatman was preggers and thus not liable for his actions had fell on deaf..well, the immortal Preservative Presences didn't seem to have actual ears that he could see. Hmm...._

_And there had hung disaster. His innocent attempt to discover if they had ears or not had brought him tantalizing close to that sweet whiteness and... Dammit---it had only been that one--teensy--lick! They'd charged him with assault and given the death penalty to both of them. Fatman was glaring at him while lecturing on his stupidity as they were led to the Carbonation Beverage Chamber of Doom to be simultaneously drowned and gassed to death._

_"Geez, I'm sorry If sugar is my weakness. It was an honest mistake! Besides, can't you let it go now that we're about to die?" _

_"Psst!"_

_Great...Fats was still sulking and the gas was already being turned on. They were never going to get out of here alive._

_Stupid, vindictive, Oreo Gods and their death predilections._

_

* * *

_

_"Psst!"_

"Mmm...switching to Ding Dongs.." Wally mumbled drowsily.

"Psst!" Wally felt something wet on his lips. Soda. So they would drown before the gas got them.

"I distinctly requested death by ginger ale for me and some diet cola for Fats..." Wally complained, opening an eye.

"Psst! Man, you're hard to wake up... Oh finally! We're here to rescue you."

The masked head of the latest Robin The Boy Wonder popped into Flash's blurred view. He was holding a soda can and both his fingers and Wally's face were suspiciously a bit wet. Wally blinked to clear his sight and memory came rushing back. He almost wished for the Carbonation Chamber.

_Jumping Hera...Rin Tin Tim The Wonder Boy is going to be the one to save me?_ Wally inwardly groaned. Sure, Tim was a decent gaming partner, but he was rather low on the hero totem pole. To have to accept aid from Bats youngest side kick was humiliating. Hold the Bat phone, who was he kidding? This was a Bat kid who'd sworn loyalty to Bruce; who kept a Bat-signal night light in his room until the age of eight because he was afraid of the dark. (No kid should suffer being tucked in at night by Bruce while he was still in costume.) This had to be another trick of Batman to show his gullibility.

Wait...Wally dared let a spark of hope charge his brain. "Who's **_we_**?" _Please, please let it be J'onn and Supes or Wonder Woman or even Booster Gold! Er...okay, maybe not the Chicken Who Laid The Golden Egg._

A shapely feminine profile appeared next to Tim's, decked in black and wearing a mask that was vaguely similar to Batman's. The Batman logo on her chest proudly established her allegiance. _That_ put the paid to this being a real rescue. Wally let a false grin spread over his face to cover his disappointment.

"Tim, you sly dog. Does Batman know you're bringing _fangirls_ home to the manor?" He saw the female Bat's lips purse in annoyance at his flippancy as she tried to find a way to open the restraints with her password.

"I'm not a fangirl," she cooly informed him. "Damn it...Tim, he's got a personal lock on these suckers. This isn't working. I'll have to try something else." She took off a bat-shaped hair pin and set to work. Robin grimaced at the delay, but knew in his gut that this operation would not be simple. It never was.

"Yeah, well, big surprise there." Tim made the introductions. "Wally West, this is Batgirl. She is sort of my sister in the Batman family."

Wally glanced at the scowling Batgirl who was grunting out the odd obscure obscenity and grimaced. "My sympathies."

"Before you say something you'll regret, Batgirl is the reason we're here."

"Come to watch daddy's big speech, huh?" Wally sourly indicated the podium with his eyes. "Well, I'm afraid you missed the first half and I wasn't able to take down any notes what with Bats giving me a bad case of writer's _clamp_." He flexed his bound hands. "Also, you should know the food court here sucks. They're seriously out of Oreos."

Tim shrugged. "Yeah, actually, we didn't miss all that much. Batgirl, here, hacked into the monitoring system so we saw you digging your own grave with your big mouth." He rolled his eyes at the discomfited older man. "Didn't anyone ever teach you silence is golden?" Wally went with the tried and true: he stuck out his tongue. Tim muttered under his breath about adult delinquents.

"Not that I'm ungrateful," Wally mused, "but why are Bat wannabe's going against Bats?"

Tim scowled. "Don't know about Babs, but...in a word? Pokemon." Wally blinked. "Bruce gave my game to Question of all people. Do you know how hard it is to get anything _back_ from that guy? His place is booby trapped worse than the Batmobile. I figure I help you, you get your fellow League nut to give it back."

Wally choked and glanced quickly at Bat Girl. "Eh, you mean my _Little League co-manager at the Central City Orphanage_. Yeah, that guy is questionable." Tim smirked at the lame attempt to hide his secret identity.

"Hello? Bat family? Knowing everything--_give or take_--kind of goes with the Bat Clan title. Besides, she overheard Alfred mumbling about you being rather slow for _The Flash_. What could I do but agree?" He brushed off the dirty look West shot him. "You don't have a reputation for being the smartest chip in the laptop, Fleet Feet." Wally rolled his eyes.

"So assuming this Mission Impossible is legit and you two pull it off; you, _Robin_, want a post-Christmas return present. Just what does Bat Girl want that Daddy Bats can't provide with his spare pocket change?"

Giving up on the restraints, Barbara crossed her arms and hoped this would be worth it once it was over. The man was a scientist. How immature could he really be? She'd had a quick communique with Orion who seemed to think it was just a front to cover his pain. So far he seemed to be a _pain_ in the ass. Problem was it was such a _cute_ ass.

"I'm not related to Batman by blood."

"Really?" Wally snorted. "You sure? I could have sworn that staring at me like I was some bug splat on the Batplane windshield was hereditary." He didn't mean to be rude, but _really_--- Batgirl's steady gaze at him was getting a tad personal. Not that he minded being ogled at by a pretty girl so much; but even if he got past the fact that this rescue was a trick---Bruce likely held some sort of fatherly interest in her marital standing and, well, Wally was not _suicidal_.

Bat Girl leaned over and kissed him hard on the lips...and a bit past that until Wally saw stars. "Does it matter one way or the other?" she breathed silkily in his ear after coming up for air.

Right. Okay. Maybe there was something to the saying _'a short life, but a merry one._'

"I think any judge would call the issue immaterial, yeah," Wally gasped out. He cleared his throat.

Batgirl smiled lasciviously, pressing a finger to his chest. "See, I was hoping to get my hands on a sexy-in-red number." West squeaked like a pet toy when someone pinched his butt.

"Man, I thought I was fast." Wally turned as red as his hair. He coughed again as Batgirl smirked at him.

"Told you I could turn you into a soprano." Wally's mouth fell open as his eyes got wide as saucers. It was rather an adorable look on him, Barbara decided.

"You! You're...? BarbaraBabsBatGirl....oh, Bats is right---I _am_ an idiot." Wally let his head fall back with a groan. His brow wrinkled in confusion as he thought this new revelation through. "But you kept brushing me off earlier." Bats...Bats had been masquerading as the scowling old chauffeur. "Chaperoning..." He grinned a bit sheepishly. "Is everyone afraid of Batman?"

"A girl's allowed to changer her mind with her identity, isn't she?" Barbara pouted, but didn't deny it. "Now, how are you at lip syncing? Plan A is a wash, so we'll have to go with Plan B." Next to her, Tim slapped his face and sighed in resignation.

"Plan B? Man, I thought that was a joke, Babs."

"Got any other ideas?"

Wally looked from one to the other. "I'm going to hate this, aren't I?"

In answer to Wally's worried expression, Batgirl took off her cowl and started fitting it over his head while Tim produced a bundle of clothing, sewing scissors, and a box of straight pins from his utility belt. Batgirl picked up a Bat Girl top and the scissors. She used the latter to separate the seams while Wally watched in growing befuddlement.

"I hardly think this is time for your Home Ec assignment, guys?" Wally at first didn't realize what they intended--until Tim ripped off most of Wally's dress shirt and Babs started wrapping her mutilated spare garment around his body--using the straight pins to hold it in place. His whole body vibrated in terror. "Oh..oh, man--_no way_! Bats'll never believe it! He'll kill me for trying something so stupid!"

"You? What about _us_?" Tim grumbled, busily turning West's only pair of nice slacks into classy bermuda shorts.

"You're not the one pre-prepped for dissection by a deranged lunatic!"

"_You're_ not the one in danger of going blind having to see your white skin," Tim retorted. Wally blushed, unintentionally destroying Tim's objection; Barbara smirked.

"You're enjoying this," Wally accused them.

"Hardly," Time denied. Seriously, this was not worth his Pokemon game. However, Babs would find an interesting place to stuff his fencing pole if he backed out now, though.

In the middle of pinning the rest of Batgirl's extra costume over Wally's destroyed clothing, Barbara growled at the speedster. "Quit squirming. Making you look more like the part and less like Giganta in this isn't easy and blood stains won't help."

_"I was right--everyone in Gotham is insane," _Wally moaned, but did still his movements--if only to avoid the business end of the pins. "It's the air, isn't it? Bat guano toxins mixed with Bat Science compounds affecting the brain--ow!--_watch_ it with the pins there!"

"It's not the best plan, but at least Bruce is currently sloshed on maltodextrin, sucrose, and every other sugary ingredient known to Nabisco," Tim explained using his most reasonable tone. "Plus, I swiped his antacid medicine for something more..alcoholic. Hopefully, he won't even notice the difference."

"Hopefully?" Wally raised an eyebrow.

"Even a _high_ Batman is still Batman and it's not like we've had prior experience with something this crazy. Just stand there, look pretty, and mimic your mouth to the words Babs says over the helmet radio. Don't worry, I'm sure with your vast experience you'll make an excellent dummy."

"You _do_ realize that if we somehow survive this you won't even register what I hit you with?" Wally snapped. He sagged with the weight of coming doom. ""Great...so I'm to die The Fastest _Girl_ on Earth, the Speed Force won't recognize me so I'll probably end up in some sort of Bat Cave Hades instead, and my last words aren't even going to be my own."

Tim arranged Wally's overgrown red hair that was poking out from under the Batgirl cowl while the actual owner finished dressing her unwilling mannequin with a touch of lip gloss--which Wally rather loudly protested against. "Stop complaining. At least we didn't have to use hair dye on you." He helpfully pulled a mirror from his belt so that his friend could see his new look. They saw Wally's enhanced lips form a thin line under Bat Girl's mask.

"I'm pretty sure this is not covered by C.C.P.D.'s life insurance policy, so if I die and this becomes part of my obituary, your inheritance from me is _so_ nothing."

They all paled at the sound of a door opening.

* * *


	10. Super Vision, my eye!

_A/N: (edited for typos: April 23, 2009)  
_

_

* * *

  
_

_...sound of a door opening._

_Chapter 10: Super Vision, My Eye_

"Bruce?"

The Bat family---real and a/u---mentally groaned. _Superman_ sure picked a bad moment to visit!

The Man of Steel was carrying two differently styled Justice Lord uniforms in clear, dry cleaner bags.

"Hey, Bruce, you home?" Superman glanced around hopefully for his fellow crime fighter. The bat clan duo held their breath (hoping to thwart Clark's super hearing until he went away), but no such luck. Not when the unwanted guest also had better vision than a hawk.

"Hey, Tim, Barbara," Superman called out cheerfully. He could see the two huddled in front of what looked like a captive humanoid in restraints. Good old Bruce, always the workaholic catching criminals. "Is Batman in? I need to ask him something rather pressing." He almost giggled at the private joke in regards to the clothing he was holding, but then remembered that as an upcoming Justice Lord despot he probably might as well start practicing that mean, stern, dictator demeanor a bit more. "I mean, where's Batman. I want to see him and see him _now_."

"He's...not here," Robin huffed at Big Blue's surly attitude. "Say, what's got the stick up your--"

"Clark, I don't suppose you could help us out for a moment, could you?" Barbara sweetly butted in, knowing a Godsend when she saw one. "We were working with some of Bruce's stuff and there was an...accident." She moved aside so he could get an unobstructed view of Batgirl-Wally.

Their victim looked like a deer caught in headlights at this unwanted development. More than ever, Wally wished he could vibrate out if only to sink under the ground out of pure mortification.

Dear God. Trussed up in heroine wear and lipstick. What must Clark be thinking?!

Frowning, Superman took more notice of the other person in the bat cave. Was that a damsel in distress, then? He'd assumed Batman had apprehended some villain for questioning. Now he took in the tastefully short ginger hair, the long legs and slim yet muscular figure strapped to some apparatus of Bruce's.

_Whoa!_

Carefully laying down the garments on a computer so as not to get them wrinkled, Kent hurriedly spit shaped the curl in his hair and stepped closer, posturing a bit because he was Superman and Superman just didn't look wimpy in front of _beautiful_ women. Man, he hoped this gal really wasn't a villainess--or taken.

"Well, hello," Clark smiled winningly, noting the bat emblem on 'her' chest and the arm restraints with a mixture of relief and dismay.

Not a villainess, then. In fact, she looked like Batgirl's better looking sister. She also reminded him rather oddly of Wally, but then that was probably because he was feeling a lot like a hormonal teenager himself.

Clark brought himself up short. As a member of the Batman Clan, Bruce might get touchy and spring the kryptonite on him like he had the first time he'd met Barbara. (Bruce being rather protective of his Bat Family.)

On the other hand, what was life without a little risk where an alluring lady was involved?

Only he'd grown rather rusty in the romance department being with just Lois for so long. Lane wasn't exactly into anything that _wasn't_ work related. Maybe he should follow someone else's example in courtship?

Jutting out his jaw a tad, Superman emphasized the SUPER part of his name by putting arms to hips in order to show off his best attributes. "I don't believe we've met."

"Cl.._clll_..."

Heh, his _sheer super-ness_ was making the lady nervous. Clark could hear her accelerated heart beat, smell her tantalizing perfume as it strengthened from her perspiration. It had a masculine tang on it. That was okay. He liked strong women and maybe this one would not have Lois's bossy personality to match.

"A close relation?" Superman nodded in a knowing manner as if he'd understood her stammered reply perfectly. "Here, let me help you out of that." He made a show of inspecting the restraints while making conversation. "Bruce and his training equipment. You don't know how many times I've had to rescue the poor guy from the overly technical contraptions he makes to keep in shape. Why Bats can't just purchase regular exercise stuff like everyone else does. Well, regular humans do. Although, I must say it sure seems whatever your workout is has done wonders for you. Not that I mind. Big muscles are rather sexy after all, don't you think?" The Not-So Boy Scout flexed his own a bit and winked at a flabbergasted West. "By the way, I'm Superman. Man of Steel? What's your name, besides Gorgeous?"

Frozen behind the Man of Steel, Barbara and Tim blinked. Neither could believe their ears or eyes. Either they'd done more of a superb job on camouflaging West than they'd thought, or Superman _really_ needed to see an optometrist.

For his part, West could not manage more than a gurgle in reply. Clark Kent was _hitting_ on him?! With Wally's own moves?!

"Wha-a-a?"

Oh yes--she was definitely smitten by The Super Stud. Clark inwardly boo-yahed. Why, he'd gotten her so totally flustered she couldn't even say her own _name_ straight. "Wanda? That's a _really_ nice name."

"You know, there's this excellent little spot I happen to own out on the Arctic Ocean. It's a bit chilly at this time of year, but I'm sure we can stay warm _somehow_." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Maybe practice some of your brand of workouts---together?" Smiling, he broke the cuffs holding Wally prisoner with some rapid, calculated punches.

In shock, Wally's feet stumbled a bit as Clark helped 'her' off the 'exercise' equipment, too traumatized to do more than let Superman hold him close. Some of the many straight pins stuck through the blue fabric and against Clark's skin, but because he was The Man of Steel, it didn't exactly hurt him. In fact, it was sort of tingly. Could this be what _love_ felt like?

Clark grinned as he supported Wanda until she could find her feet.

_Wow!_

Batgirl's relative was not only beautiful, but what muscles she had. This just _could_ be a match made in heaven! He wondered if he could get away with a kiss this early on their first meeting? Maybe she'd be agreeable to having dinner with him and his adopted mother?

It was with the thought of introducing Wanda to Ma Kent's apple pie that Clark finally paid more attention to his nose. By golly if his lady didn't smell familiar---though he was sure he'd never met her before and would definitely have remembered if he had. Maybe it was her perfume? No, too musky for that. In fact, it smelled like...like...

_No. No, it couldn't be._

Clark stepped away in confusion, blinking and looking up into a now very familiar, nervously grinning mouth---grinning in a _oh-sh*-just-let-me-die-now _way. Hastily, he backed off more; and nearly bumped into Batman who had mysteriously materialized next to him and who looked severely pissed. (How the heck did Bruce always manage to sneak up on him anyway?) Clark looked at..._Wanda_--or rather--Wally, whose eyes were now as big as pie plates. Back at Bruce who looked fit to kill. Back at...

Oh.

Oh..._kaaay_.

Well, this was just...awkward.

Yes, awkward.

_Awkward_ was certainly the word.

Awkward and _way_ more information than Superman ever wanted to know about his team mates and their off duty exploits.

Okay, so he'd heard the rumors around the Watchtower that Batman was paying an inordinate amount of attention towards Wally of late. But Clark never would have _dreamed_...

This did, however, explain an awful lot about why some of the League had nicknamed The Flash _Twinkle Toes_. Honestly, Clark berated himself, he really shouldn't be surprised Flash swung that way what with Wally's friendship with that Piper fellow. But he'd never imagined that The Flash and _Batman_...

Not that there was anything wrong with that!

Nope. Nothing at all.

Hey, he was hip to current culture. Superman was _a modern kind of guy_.

Kind of.

If Wally was willing to dress in drag and call himself Wanda in order to fulfill some kinky fantasy of Bruce's... a fantasy Clark'd accidentally _almost_ got pulled into... Well, it was perfectly reasonable what with the Batcave being so _dark_ and all. It wasn't his fault it was so _dark_ in here, playing _dark_ tricks on the mind and eye.

Shadows. He'd mistaken Wally for a beautiful woman because of the gosh-damned _shadows_ and that was all there was to write on it.

There.

"I'll just go and...find something...Super _Manly_ to do." Clark winced at his own words. "Uh..see what _Queen_ is up to." Superman's eyes matched Wally's in size when he considered Ollie--also a rich bachelor---and his unfortunate last name. Come to think of it, Wally also hung out a lot with Green Arrow and goodness knew what that might imply...he'd heard of such things. He'd watched Three's Company on Pa's old tv set. Once.

"I mean, I'll go see what _Lois_ is doing."

Clark started to fly off when he recalled why he'd come in the first place.

Batman did not spare Superman a second glance as he growled at Wally--who'd just realized that Barbara and Tim had conveniently made themselves scarce. Flash considered this to be a supremely wise course of action and was about to take off as well when a kevlar-coated glove snagged his arm. The man's breath instantly alerted Wally that Tim had not been kidding about Bruce coming back sub par. In fact...

The Dark Knight was not only high on sugar, but _pickled_ as well.

"So, Barbara," Batman demanded of Wally with an angry gleam in his blurry eyes, "just _when_ were you going to tell me you were _dating Superman_?"

"Uhhh..."

Before a terrified Wally could think what to do---would his death be more painful as Batgirl-Dating-Supes or as Wally-Dressed-As-Batgirl-Who-Was-Not-Dating-Supes? Superman reappeared having scooped up the items he'd originally come in with.

"Sorry to interrupt again, but before you...um_..guys_...do whatever it is you..eh..._do_ on your off hours, Bruce, I need a second opinion." He held up the uniforms. "I was wondering which of these you think would better represent me as the future callous ruler of Earth: the Traditional spandex or the Neo-Organic cotton/rayon look?" Exploding batarangs sent first one and then the other up in flames--neither material being Made of Steel. Superman sighed mournfully as he watched the roasted bits fall into _disintegrated_ bits from his arms. "You could have just _said_."

* * *

A/N Addition:

I've just received multiple reviews from someone anon called Mischief. He or she pointed out a typing mistake in my using Green Lantern's instead of Green Arrow's name toward the end. This was not a _mistake_ as such since I did mean Lantern. However, on further thought, I think Mischief's idea is better as it not only is more reasonable, but the possible S&M implications Supes was thinking of between Lantern and Wally might be too much for a mere K+ rating and I don't want to go beyond that here.

Thank you, Mischief.

(Btw, how the heck did you manage to send three reviews for the same chapter? 0.0*)

Also thanks to Miles333 for pointing out some spelling errors now fixed. :)

Last Edit: (I hope): HOLY COW! AND NOBODY CAUGHT IT! (This does not bode well for the future of the Superman fandom.) I just noticed (and fixed) the typo where I'd put Ma Kettle's instead of Ma Kent's pie. This must be senility setting in early. Ma & Pa Kettle were a comedy team during the early black and white movies. Actually, they were also simple farmers, but if you ever saw the movies, you'd see the humor of this mistake.

* * *


	11. Identity Crisis was never like this!

A/N: First off let me say right now before anybody kills me that I'm poking fun in a good-natured, tongue-in-cheek way. If you had your funny bone surgically removed after Batman smashed it, don't read this thing. I already know I'm not politically correct.

Oh...shitzu pups. I keep forgetting the danged, insipidly stupid Here-There-Be-FANFICTION disclaimer for this **FAN FICTION** story site. Silly me. Someone just might otherwise think this wasn't FAN FICTION.

I don't own squat of the superhero universe and not even Dr. Fate can change that.

(edited for typos: April 23, 2009)

* * *

Chemistry 11

_Batman's eyes narrowed to slits as he stared at Clark with a 'keep-your-mitts-off-of-my-__daughter' type of glare, one hand firmly holding 'Batgirl' back from whatever the heck he thought she was going to do.  
_

_"Get out."_

As the hand on his arm tightened, Wally gave a little whimper of dismay. _This was it._ No need to contact Dr. Fate for a Flash Forecast, thank you very much. He was _doomed_. _Just like those poor, warranty-violated action figures found just a few miles away.  
_

Courtesy of Barbara and Tim's wack job escape plan _(and The Gotham Knight had trained these people?)_, Bats thought he was _Batgirl_ and now Supes thought he was gay. When Bruce sobered up he was going to enter into a whole new scale of Batman Death Glares never visited before. Wally could almost feel them already--twin black holes with more destructive power than Clark's heat vision.

Oh, yes.

To make it even worse _(Hera, was that even possible?)_ Clark--the intrepid reporter and guy who thought the best way of keeping a secret meant sticking fake glasses on it---would divulge all over the Watchtower and (probably into the other dimensions) on how at the gloved hand of Bats, The Flash had died the most ignominious death ever visited upon a man with unconventional wardrobe tendencies.

Oh..and lets not forget that Wally was now gay. Mustn't forget that.

_Didn't Clark realize what this news would do to all the eligible women of the world?_! If Wally wasn't about to be _dead_ by either batarang or embarrassment, he'd be up to his armpits in saving suicidal babes. (Which would be totally unfair seeing as he'd be rather too indisposed to do so and receive their undying thanks and phone numbers because he'd be--_dead_.)

Wally _really_ wasn't keen on the dying thing. Never had been. Oh, he could probably deal with the ridicule by taking up new digs in some remote section of Tahiti, donning sunglasses, spiffy running shorts and a fake accent, but death was final.

Well, _usually_ final.

Okay, _sort_ of final, but probably no fun as Superman could attest even if your suit had handy pockets for either zombie repellent or giant cockroach spray; but back to the worse hell that was his current life.

He needed options.

Grandma Flash used to say that when you were at the bottom and you couldn't get back up--try going sideways until you could. Of course, Grandma had been caught on the floor with a nearly empty bottle of cooking sherry in hand and babbling a lot of weird sayings at the time, but she just might have had a point. Things couldn't possibly get worse than they were already, so why not crawl on? Tahiti did sport a lot of fabulous babes year round, after all.

Coughing to clear his throat, Wally attempted to modulate the speed of his larynx vibrations so as to simulate a feminine level. He was a speedster who was supposedly gay. Think cool, speedy thoughts about eating out while on a running shoe shopping spree.

Piece of cake.

"Oh, but Bats..." He fluttered his eyelashes at Clark, "Big Blue just arrived. We were getting so acquainted and the talk had just turned interesting." _Man, no lie there! "_Can't Superstud.." (as in wooden) "...stick around a little longer?"

Good Hera, Clark was pulling at his collar--and strictly speaking he didn't even have one. Not like he hadn't always known it, but this was just the clincher:

Male or female, Wally was_ one hot superhero_!

* * *

In the deepest, darkest, back of his mind where the sugar and alcohol had yet to bash their way through the barricade, and he was sure the secret would never get out---Bruce Wayne wished he had The Flash's hyper metabolism.

Super powers were wasted on the young; whereas he was in dire need of them.

Frankly put, Batman was a bit unnerved.

As a playboy on the party circuit, Bruce had naturally had his share of alcoholic beverages; but he'd never been this drunk in his life and was not enjoying the experience. His gaze shifted momentarily to that of his only female protege and swallowed back the rising bile.

Barbara was without a doubt a beautiful woman and Clark was clearly smitten, so... so it had to be his _own_ optic nerves at fault.

_Really, if this is what liquor did to one's eyesight, Prohibition should reconsidered for the sake of society. He'd have to talk with the other Founders about forbidding it in the Watchtower. A hint to Cadmus that booze made Superman stronger might do the trick to getting the stuff banned nation-wide. The Batman knew everything, after all; Waller would hardly question such a security leak._

Or it could be that he wasn't as sloshed as his subconscious feared.

If the cave's bad lighting could malign his fit physique, it fell to reason that it would do so to others.

It _was_ possible that this was just a case of Barbara really letting herself go, but--again--being the accepted depository of wisdom and knowledge, The Batman _knew_ better than to ask a woman about her sudden weight gain and three o'clock shadow. Even martial arts defensive training had it's limits and he did lack that aforementioned hyper metabolism and it's inclusive free health care bonus.

Speaking of the Buster of City Speed Ordinances, Bruce was sure he was forgetting something important that had to do with the scarlet one. There was a pulsing vein in his forehead that he'd dubbed the _Maim Flash Action Figure Now _Bat signal on account it vibrated every time the speedster had recently pissed him off.

Likely it was Wally who had infiltrated the manor and switched the Wayne medicals for vodka.

At any rate, he could dwell on all of this later. For now, not even potent chemical compounds were going to let him stand by and watch Batgirl fall for Tractor Boy who not only couldn't program the clock on his latest vcr (yes, a **V**CR), but had accidentally melted it into an art deco sculpture when--in a fit of pic--The Man of Steel Wool Brains failed to stop the mocking 12:00 from blinking at him whilst the Early Farm Forecast News show passed into _unrecorded_ oblivion.

The Dark Knight was not about risk the possibility of Clark's chromosomes diluting the Batman gene pool even metaphorically.

Logically, there was only one thing to do.

It was time to introduce Babs to the local _Gotham Sisters of Perpetual Chastity_ and design some modifications to her Batsuit to reflect same.

_"Can't Superman stay around a little longer?"_

_Hell.._

_"_No_."_

* * *

Wayne's grip on _her_ arm tightened even more as he made to drag _'Batgirl_' away to only Alfred knew where.

Knowing Bats, that would probably be the local Gotham convent. Wally could just see his trying to explain to GL why he was wearing a nun's habit over a modified Batgirl costume while John used his Lantern power to save the hope of women everywhere. Stewart would mutter that the most powerful ring in the universe was not meant to be used for bypassing chastity belt locks--John being rather short sighted that way--while the Swedish Bikini team wrung their collective hands at the injustice of it all.

Naturally, before his daydream could work it's way to a pleasant conclusion involving freedom and foot rubs, Bats had to ruin it all with a growled out--

_"No."_

West managed to display a major lip pout that somehow worked for both Flash/Wally and BatGirl/Wally.

"But, Bats darling," Wally objected in a sultry manner---_and considered with one part of his mind that it was scary how he was able to channel Marilyn Monroe as well as The Fastest Man Alive so easily_---"I just wanted to show the Man of Steel something..._interesting_," Superman's eyes looked fit to fall out of his skull. Wally's pout became less forced as he conceded "All right..._more_ interesting."

* * *

From their hiding place by the Bat Computer, the real Batgirl felt her jaw drop. "What is that idiot friend of yours doing?!" _Dammnit---and why did he have to be __gay__?_

"Mine??" Tim whined. "He was _Dick's_ Titan pal. Besides, _you're_ the one who was so set on rescuing the guy." Robin's eyes widened as he thought of something. "Holy Rainbow Coalition! You don't think that he and...and _Dick_?" The Boy Wonder started to turn green as his mind considered the fey qualities of most super hero costumes and his own short pants suit as picked out by Batman.

Then there was the whole _Let's-Disguise-Wallace-in-one-of-my-old-suits_ idea of Babs.

Maybe Superman had the right idea.

He needed a new costume. Preferably one that _wouldn't imply anything from association_.

Tomorrow he was definitely hitting the malls.

* * *

West could swear there was a little storm cloud forming over Bruce's head. And was that a lightning bolt shaped vein throbbing there on his forehead--or was it just a trick of the shadows?

"_No_."

Sheesh, again with the continuous Bat negativity! _This_ was the acclaimed Playboy Of The Year?

Wally turned back to regard the tongue-tied Superman with a critical eye. _Oh, Blue-One Kent-obi, you're my only hope. Rescue me before Darth Bats here shakes off the Romulan Ale and freezes me into carbonite._

"I'm dying of ennui here, you know, Big Guy. Oh, whatever shall I do?" Wally channeled one Linda Parks' scenery chewing as he asked breathlessly, "Won't you save me, _Supsey_?"

* * *

_Supsey's_ eyebrows threatened to go Up, Up and Away without him. He held his hands up as if to ward off a chunk of green rock. In fact--now that he thought about it--could there be some correlation between kryptonite and Wally's eye color? Both were flashing _Danger! Danger, Clark Kent!_ in his mind right now.

It was official: The Flash had become just as scary as Batman and in more ways than one. Clark shivered. "Um...Look, guys, I'm not Spiderman; I don't swing that way." (If this gets out, Lois is going to make Doomsday look like Pollyanna!) "And...um... Got things to do."

It wasn't a lie. In fact, he did have an important mission: making sure he was never again paired with Bruce or Wally in the dark and relatively private Monitor Womb ever again.

Even if West did look more hot in the shadows than Lois did in the brightest daylight.

* * *

Oh crud.

Wally felt his hopes deflate like that time he'd _accidentally_ punctured the Batmobile's wheel while playing flashhockey solitaire and had to go chase it down before it leveled Gotham's warehouse district while the Joker got away from the suddenly wheel-less Batman. Boy, Bats had been mad and that was _without_ The Question making a song about it and posting it autonomously in the newspaper.

It had been a good song though.

Maybe he'd overdone it a tad? His idea of seducing Superman was dead. Clark was such the wimp when it came to courting women---look how many years had gone by and he'd yet to pop the question to Lane. _Not that Lane qualified as a babe so much as a shark so maybe Clark was just dodging the bullet there?_

Time to try to talk reason into Bruce again....before he lost all feeling in that arm.

"Batman, you're hurting me."

It was what some seconds later Wally would call a true moment of serendipity.

If anything, his simple observation to the The Dark Knight made the hold on his arm grow tighter, coaxing a real yelp of pain out of West. That got Superman's attention as he automatically switched off from Embarrassed Would-Have-Been Suitor and went right into Heroine-Saver mode. At least, that's how it seemed to Wally as the Kryptonian was suddenly at his side, holding his own hand over Bruce's grip and trying in vain to pry the Bat's fingers loose.

"Bruce, I think you should let the lady go."

Wally blinked. _Lady?_ Well, heck, who was he to question Serendipity? He might even name his first born after her. Hooray for brawn over brains.

"Oh, my big, strong _hero has come to save me_!" Wally reached out and traced a finger over Superman's S, smirking in what he hoped might be taken as a provocative promise. He tapped the broad chest in what educated people would recognize was an s.o.s in Morse code, but maybe that was asking Miss Serendipity for too much.

"Wanna fly me to the moon?" he hinted.

"Um?" Clark's Adam's apple visibly jerked at again hearing the seductive tone generated by Batgi..._Wally_. Clark had to remind himself of that fact as the muscular temptress in from of him swiveled a hip and thrust out her/his---pouty lip. "Eh, W-Wa--"

Oh, for the love of iced mochas--not my _name_, you idiot! Wally reaching out with his free arm to tug Superman closer. Why did Clark have to be so thick today? Sure, he liked the big lug, but right now Wally wished the guy would get a clue. Preferably before Bruce did.

"_What_, you ask? Come here and let _Batgirl_ show you."

Spotting Bruce's face out of the corner of his eye, Wally lost the urge to rattle Clark's apparently lone brain cell.

Damn, it...Batman was getting suspicious. Not that he looked any different than before. Wally was just getting really good at reading one Bat glare from another. Chalk it up to lots of practice. At any rate even Tim's swiped vodka would be unable to keep Bats from remembering soon enough that he'd been holding a certain co-Founder down here recently. Last thing Wally needed right now was for Bruce to catch on _before_ one beleaguered speedster was several states removed from Gotham's city limits.

Maybe he was going about gaining Clark's help all wrong? He was known as the _Boy Scout_ after all. Chivalrous Superman who couldn't even hit a villainess without angstying about it later.

His eyes fell on the forgotten pile of _Convention props_. Well, he had thought of it before, but a) he'd been tied up and b) being tied up and bored by Batman's monologue he'd had ample time to imagine all the painful ways Bats had probably booby trapped the stuff--with the idea of Flash being the booby in question.

But what if another--invulnerable--_booby_ entered the scene?

Wally speed backed up enough to land a heavy heel on Batman's boot with some force. _That_ ought to distract Bruce from reaching for any kryptonite before Wally could get what he needed from Clark.

"You, know, Supesy, I so wanted to hear about this Arctic igloo of yours. I bet the acoustics are just _super_ fabulous. What a shame I've misplaced my iPod. I do believe I even have a few Superman-themed tracks on it that would be just so apt, considering."

"Superman themes?" Batman muttered somewhat dubiously from his slightly bent over position of considering the large dent in his left footwear and wondering if he was going to be in real pain later on when he was sober.

"Oh wait--_there_ it is." Wally pointed at the abandoned iPod sitting innocuously with the rest of Batman's _stupid Flash_ props. He let his eyes go all sparkling enchantress like he'd seen Starfire do at Nightwing when they were young. Despite himself, Superman felt drawn into the wet orbs of dark jade. "Be a superhero icon and get it for me?"

_Her_ iPod? Batman's brow furrowed in concentration as his sugar cocktailed brain started to put two and two together, but by that time the ever-chivalrous Clark had grabbed the iPod--his super tough skin unfazed by the booby traps---and handed it over before he knew quite why he was doing so.

"Yes!"

Wasting no time, West grabbed the iPod; leaving Clark to blow cold air over his flame-torched and batarang punctured hand--_hey, the alien was a faster healer than Wally was anyway--_he ripped out the Watchtower communicator that was still stuck to the one ear bud while simultaneously vibrating his arm to get out of Batman's grasp.

"J'onn!," Wally yelled into the device, not bothering to sound like Captain Kirk, "Beam me UP--Beam _meUP_!"

"Flash?" Jonzz's voice came over the tiny speaker. Is this an emergency?"

_"Flash?!"_

Crap!

Batman looked fit to beat Clark out of becoming the first League Founder to go Lord. The sight was truly terrifying--especially if your alter ego was The Flash.

_"Oh-mahgaw!"_

Wally felt his atoms get scrambled and then reassembled somewhere that featured full lighting. He breathed a sigh of relief. Thank Hera. At last he was safe.

And still pinned into Batgirl's outfit.

Standing on the main Watchtower transporter platform on what looked like rush hour.

_At least his day couldn't get any worse._

"Flash," J'onn asked from his station. "I have placed the entire League on standby. What is the nature of the Omega alert...um...Batgirl? Where's..no..wait...Flash?" The Martian's eyes glowed with confusion. "Not _another_ Identity Crisis," the Green One muttered. "One that also appears to have affected Batman."

Batman?

"I can explain," Batman's voice sounded from just behind Wally's ear. There was a moment's beat as the Dark Knight reconsidered his statement. "No. I can't."

In his own defense, Wally _was_ a bit distracted those last seconds to have noticed right away that The Batman had also been beamed up and was now standing on the transporter--still gripping his arm.

The _hell_! What did Bruce use on his gloves--_super velcro_?!

Okay, _now_ it couldn't get any worse.

Wally considered whether vibrating through the transporter pad would cause a chain reaction blowout that would destroy all the Watchtower lighting and fry Batman loose long enough to escape to his room before the emergency power came back on.

"Wally!"

_Oh...crap, no_.

There stood Green Lantern gaping at the speedster. Chalk one up for Stewart though--he recovered from shock with surprising speed.

"You--you _home wrecker_! Two-timing her with Bruce! Does Shayera even know you _cross dress_?!" John lifted his ringed fist and Oa's Lantern light started forming a sword that would have done Final Fantasy proud. Wally's eyes got impossibly wide.

"Oh...shhhh...Scotty--_BEAM__DOWN! DOWN!_"

Just as a fiery green light swung at them, he yanked Batman over to the next pad and jumped into his arms.

* * *

As their molecules were scrambled again, back at the Watchtower's secondary control room the chief engineer scowled at the teleport computer console. "_Up_. Down. I know I've yet to get around to repairing that yellow Bashing Robot, but if this is a bored Flash and Elastic Man playing Star Trek again..."

* * *

A/N: Honestly, I'm reading through this story and I can't help but thinking that the only reason the League manages to do any good is because the bad guys are more whacked than they are. Must be spandex blood poisoning.

* * *


	12. Let Loose The Bats Of War!

A/N: (edited for typos: April 23, 2009)

* * *

Chapter 12: Let Loose The Bats of War

Meanwhile, back at The Batcave...

"Well, that worked out," Tim sighed as they all saw Batman accidentally get teleported up with Wally. "Not _well_, but it worked out." Batgirl glared at him with such venom Tim considered maybe she really _was_ genetically related to Bruce after all. He waved his hands in front of his chest in a warding gesture. "Holy Crash&Burn, Babs, I'm sorry your hot date didn't work out, but it's not like I _knew_ he was batting for the other side." He snorted at his choice of phrase. _Batting._ Barbara's glare threatened to fry out his brain. _Wow, now she was channeling Clark._ "I mean...you know how flaky red-heads can be." Oh man. "Eh..I meant---shutting up now."

_I wonder if someone in the Marvel multiverse needs a Short Pants side kick? _Fortunately, the erstwhile Robin's eyes fell on a handy distraction before he could dig himself in deeper.

"Hey..what's this? Wally left his iPod behind?" He eagerly scooped it up, giving a devious grin as his Batman Tech School course training _Curiosity 101: or It May Kill The Cat(woman), But It's A Bat's Cel-Line_ came to the fore. "Let's see what's on it." He happily skipped (eh..walked) over to the Bat Computer and hooked it up, setting the audio for the cave's Bat Theater surround sound system BTSXIII (R) so that the others could listen too. Within moments, the main computer screen displayed the iPod's contents. Tim whistled at one top folder's name and it's relatively high byte count.

_"SuperHero_Stuff_, huh?" He clicked on it. The folder opened into a selection of subfolders named after various superheroes.

Ms. Gordon--who no longer had any particular interest in one Wally West now that she figured he was a lost cause even if he suddenly became straight---could care less about his music downloads. She ignored the monitor and cast about for something less boring to do like....oh, _that_! She quickly disengaged the booby traps and happily dug through the conference props.

_There it was. (_Bruce really shouldn't just leave his work logs lying around where any other Bat could find them.) She happily ensconced her petite behind on the edge of the computer console and started flipping through Batman's notes. Happily, that is, until she noticed some discrepancies.

Um...something was wrong here. Batman was _always_ right the first time (so he claimed and who would _dare _dispute a man who thought nothing of keeping a giant penny on hand or hiring a taxidermist to stuff a full-sized Tyrannosaurus.) So, naturally, Batgirl found it curious that the book held the odd correction marks in it...

* * *

As the senior adult present, Clark was opening his gob to protest Tim's disrespecting of Wally's privacy, but then the screen showed up the playlist and one glance of the _SuperHero_Stuff _folder's submenu changed his mind.

"_Wally collects _Superman_ as well as Batman songs_?"

Screw Privacy! The _Truth_ in that file might just give him the _Justice_ of getting one over on Bruce; _and_ besides wasn't snooping _The American Way_? He shoved Tim aside to click on his folder namesake. A quick perusal had his chest swelling with so much pride at the long song list that Tim thought he'd finally discovered the secret of why so many superheroes were able to fly--inflated egos.

Clark was indeed feeling pretty darn super (and light headed with euphoria.) Sure, there were other songs on the iPod that had to do with heroes, but the Superman ones outnumbered them by leaps and bounds. Most notable were _his_ 101 songs to Batman's measly 50.*

_Ha! Take that, Bruce!_

Wait...what was this? It seemed a lot of the stuff Wally had was accompanied by an odd little red cape_. How cute! Wally had found an icon for for Superman's cape. _He used his super vision to read the tiny explanatory line accompanying these songs.

_Explicit content? Rated M for Mature? What was all this about? Was Wally following John's advice and finally taking detailed lessons in attaining maturity?  
_

(He innocently chose a title at random and clicked on it, only to end up blushing the shade of the little warning flag at the blatantly sexual lyrics that blared forth. An equally blushing Tim hastily closed that audio file.**)

It wasn't until the sparkly transporter beam lit up part of the cave that Kent realized that maybe it would have been wiser to vacate the premises rather than stay and be caught inadvertently corrupting the youth of America.

Barbara (who had been puzzling over the odd lyrics and character doodles at the back of the journal), hastily lobbed it back into the prop chest and innocently folded her arms.

Robin frantically stabbed for the correct button on the computer to close the playlist, but only ended up missing the accidentally released hidden execute file on the Bat Computer. Not that anyone else saw this as a sight far more compelling was right in front of them all.

"Holy Matrimony! Bruce married Wally!" Tim blurted out.

Well, it did kind of look that way, Barbara thought. But only if it had been a shotgun wedding, because both participants appeared rather shot.

A shaking West seemed traumatized; though the trio put that down as a perfectly reasonable reaction to his being carried in Bruce's arms bridal style. In fact, the only thing more surprising to Barbara was that the speedster--once caught--was still alive.

Now, trying to explain away the Dark Knight's pasty countenance...? _That_ was another matter. She didn't even want to contemplate what could possibly scare the shit out of _Batman_.

Batman looked almost as pale as The Gentleman Ghost standing there stock still, staring lost in space as if he'd met God only to discover The Almighty was a closet Joker fan.

It was almost a relief when The Dark Knight regained his normal _supremely pissed_ complexion upon realizing he was cradling Wally in his arms like he was---_well, Tim's pithy comment rather said it all_.

Before Bruce could get the satisfaction of dropping the bane of his life onto the cold, hard, cave floor, Wally zipped down and fled behind another hard object: Clark. (Not that Wally cared that it was _Clark_ so much as Superman made the widest and strongest barricade against the looming and imminent Hurricane Bruce.)

"_O_mega?!" boomed the first thunderous roar of Batman's discontent.

"Now, Bats, I know this looks bad--okay, _disastrous_ what with our reputations being shot to hell--but one day we'll look back on all of this and laugh---or in your case the closest substitute---_Hey_, don't forget how bored out of his skull Lord Bats was after I died--I mean the _other_ Flash died! Heh! Of course I'll have _to still be alive_ in order to share the joke with your future geezer self as I chug my iced geratols and you the prune juice---Um...just a reminder; people's memories are short, but murder _is_ a lifetime rap...Bats?" Wally risked peeking under Clark's arm, whining at what he saw. _"Saveme,Oh-BlueOneKentobiIdon'twannadie!"_

_Personally, Clark would have preferred throwing Wally in Bruce's general direction so as to better insure his own getaway; but he was Superman and Wally kind of (loosely) fit the parameters of a damsel in distress. He squared his shoulders.  
_

"Bruce..."_  
_

"_Years--decades---_of painstaking image sculpting...all destroyed by one, idiotic _Flash_ fabrication--!"

Well, Wally'd heard this before..or similar disparaging of his name. His eyes wandered to the Bat Computer, terror quickly evaporating as he saw what the screen held. "Hold that thought." He zipped over to it. "Whoa...Bats...you got a playlist just like mine? I thought you'd only go for stuffy rich-boy tunes like waltzes and polkas and vampire theme songs and stuff. Who'd have thought the Dark Knight had such good taste in music."

_Must. Somehow. Regain. Impassivity._

"Get away from that computer before you breath on it and break it," Bruce Wayne stalked over prepared to shove the grinning man aside. Brooding eyes scanned the entries and scowled at them like they were the Brainiac virus taking over his baby...which they might as well have been.

Unfortunately, something else caught his eye first that was just as--if not more insidious--to the frazzled Knight.

_The hell!_

_"One Hundred? _Superman inspired _that_ many songs?" Batman snarled, all thoughts of regaining detachment tossed to the wind. Wally blinked at the voiced number, helpfully adjusted the scroll bar so that the _101st_ song showed. Bruce turned beet red as his blood pressure spun out of control. _"How did that pansy-white Boy Scout rate?!"_ He ignored Clark's indignant gurgle at the slur, busy scanning through the songs at nearly meta speed, muttering esoteric Bat curses at what he found.

Intent on the coming battle between the Dark and Light Sides of the League, Tim and Barbara failed to see a figure wearing a blue trench coat and fedora reach out and yank Wally into the shadows.

* * *

_Now what? Some Bat villain come to assess the One Who Brought Batman To His Knees?_

"You've had a busy day."_  
_

Wally blinked at his only competition for the title of the Blankest-Mug-To-Ever-Step-Foot-In-The-Watchtower.

"Question? What are you doing here? I thought you'd left the country to get away from..." he glanced in Batman's direction..."that apartment infestation problem." His paranoid friend kept a wary face mask on the now bickering Batman and Superman as he answered Wally's inquiry, while also managing to flip through his pockets full of notepads.

"Tom Riddle's Diary, Marie Celeste Captain's Log..Area 51..no..no..._ah_." He found the one he was looking for, writing a note within before pocketing it. Thanks to his speed, Wally was just able to make out the title: Wallace Rudolph West: Volume 20157-Dec-C

"I got a hot tip from Deep Throat that it may not be Luthor and Superman who bring on the apocalypse by killing The Flash after all."

"Really? That's great!" Wally beamed. _Hey, one less thing to worry about._

"It's the Batman who does in The Flash guy."

Wally's eyes widened then narrowed to slits. "Vic, dude, you know I like you. Hell, I'm probably the only one besides The Huntress who even listens to you. But if you recall--_I'm_ The Flash, so I wish you'd quit throwing my obituary around like it's already wetting the printing presses." He paused, brow furrowing. "Deep Throat?" Wally asked, not completely unsure Question was referring to _the_ Deep Throat. "Who's--"

"Huntre_-ahhm_.." the investigator coughed "..that's confidential info." He finally turned his head towards Wally.

The reporter grit his teeth behind his mask as he got a good look at his fleet-footed friend, pulled out another notepad marked Bruce Wayne and started scribbling away on it. "What a nefarious scheme. Injecting Flash with the DNA and sex of Barbara Gordon in order to mate him with Superman and create a new, improved heir to the Dark Knight legacy. I can't believe I missed this. It's as plain as the nose on my face."

Wally blinked again---a common enough habit when discoursing with The Question. "You _have_ a nose?"

Alfred appeared at the speedster's other side in a classic Batman stealth move that made Wally jump a foot in the air and wonder just who had trained who on how to do that.

"I see your reputation as the League crackpot appears secure, Master Question." Alfred nearly rolled his eyes, but managed to keep it at no more than a '_heaven help me'_ glance upwards as he'd addressed the Hub City reporter. He noticed West's look of surprise.

"You know The Question?"

"Indeed, Master Wally. He regularly makes a habit of breaking into the manor. I have even considered just providing him the spare key in order to minimize on the jimmied-lock scratches he leaves on the doors and save myself the added work of buffing them out. As for a nose, I can categorically attest to it--as I _accidentally_ managed to break it when he stuck it where it didn't belong."

Manservant and Paranoid glared at each other. Question pulled out another notebook (Alfred "Jeeves" Pennysworth) and flipped to a page.

"October 31st, 10:30pm...southwest wing, fourth bedroom door, hurt like hell..._accidentally_ my arse." He stilled. "Wait... How do you know my real name?" Vic Sage demanded.

"Really Master Sage," Alfred sniffed. "Who do you think _raised_ the Terror of the Night?" The butler eyed a bemused Wally's unorthodox attire with a disapproving click of his tongue. "Tsk, tsk, Master Wally...and you made fun of my Scarecrow impression. At least I was the correct gender and removed the odorous items as soon as convenient."

"What?" Wally bemused glanced down and sighed. What with all, he had forgotten about the getup that had been foisted upon him. Even more scary, he was starting to find it almost as comfortable as The Flash uniform. "Oh...yeah."

A quick spin and pins went flying as well as the Batgirl things--much of them landing on the butler's unmoving form. Alfred sighed the sigh of the long suffering.

"Why, that's quite all right, Master Wally. Master Bruce often uses me as a hat stand and I was past due for my appointment with the Chinese _acupuncturist_."

"Oops. Sorry, Alfred," Wally used another burst of speed to quickly pick off the pins and cloth from the two men.

Ever the British gentleman, Alfred reciprocated by handing the speedster a sani-wipe to help remove the lip gloss.

Smiling his gratitude, Wally removed the last trace of his unwanted Batgirl disguise, sheepishly explaining "Believe me, it was all Barbara's idea. Normally, things named 'Mocha Supreme' don't stop _at_ my lips." He frowned at his ruined, one-and-only pair of dress slacks that had been hacked off above his knees. "Now I know how Short Pants feels: drafty."

The Question quickly returned his full attention to the brewing war between Batman and Superman happening before them, calculating if they could possibly stop doomsday from occurring by circumventing the sperm whales clandestine attempts to destroy Superman's and humankind's aural canals using new age nature songs as a front. He sorted through his little notebooks, deciding which to start on first.

So many conspiracies; so little time.

* * *

"_The right to bleed? It's not easy to be me?_" Batman growled at the innocent audio file and it's accompanying lyrics. "Are these morons _kidding_? When was the last time this guy had to wear so much as a stinking bandaid? I was in a _body brace!_ It isn't _Mr. Impregnable_ who's paying skyrocketing _life insurance premiums_!"

"Hello?" (Superman fought to remember The Superhero Book of Etiquette: Chapter Three: You shall not fry your allies.) "Mr. Impregnable--_right here_? At least you can afford a whole secret task force to do your tailoring and laundry," Clark huffed. "I have to fly to the farm and barter with Ma to launder my suit from assorted alien goop stains after a battle because it's not something you want to display a the local laundromat---and believe me, she's a harder negotiator than Lex. If it weren't for my Kryptonian heritage I'd have permanent dish-pan hands. Besides, people just like country boys better than scowly, antisocial maniacs with worse issues than the local villains."

Bruce produced a batarang with a little, familiar, stylized 'S' on it that gave Big Blue pause.

"Wait!" Superman hurriedly put his Nerd spectacles on, "You wouldn't hit a man with glasses, would you?"

"No..." (Clark sagged in relief.)

_*PoW! BaSh! ShAtteR!* tinkle*tinkle*tinkle...tinkle*  
_

A smug, Batman folded his arms over his chest in satisfaction. "However, _you're_ an alien."

Clark's eyes glowed red through the now empty frames. This..was _war_!

"Um...guys?" Wally cringed as Batman hit a little button on his utility belt, "Can't we all just get along?"

Too late.

Instantly a plethora of bats that dwelt in the recesses of the cavern came twittering down for an attack run. Gulping at the sight of aerial rodents taking on the classic 'V' battle formation, Wally ran like hell in an attempt to dodge a sky suddenly full of assorted winged rodents, batarangs, and eye beams until he found a relatively safe spot next to The Question; who had likewise figured that a solid-metal giant penny was the best thing to hide behind since it was both hard as a rock and not combustible.

The pair warily peered out from either side of the coinage, Wally's eyes wide at the sight presented to them. (Only God and Vic knew what expression The Question's wore.)

"This is getting way out of hand," was Wally's adamant opinion. "There was less firepower in Return of the Jedi and any Stallone movie combined."

"It does remind me of Las Vegas," The Question nodded.

"Because of the light shows and pyrotechnics?"

"Bar brawling with Shayera and Huntress."

* * *

Well, this was just _perfect_. He could just see his life expectancy shortening the longer he stuck around. Wally knew he couldn't just leave, though; somehow he had to fix this mess.

He saw Tim come running by with Barbara close behind, both looking not too the worse for wear. Wally figured they must be used to this sort of thing what with the Batkid training and living in Gotham.

"At least he's only mad at that turkey Clark and not us innocent--," Barbara was saying.

"Superman is not a turkey," Tim retorted evenly.

"I think that M-rated file he stupidly opened housed a virus. It may be currently eating your game software." Tim paled.

_"That turkey Clark!"_

"_Duck!_" Robin dove for cover behind Wally at the sound of Barbara's warning shout. Two beeping and pointy boomerangs flew by his head. He spotted Wally. Realizing that the speedster was possibly not the best one to be around any better than Superman was, Tim broke for the T-Rex while Batgirl sprinted for the Batmobile.

"Chickens," The Question muttered aloud.

"Wait..._duck, turkey...chickens.." _Wally grinned. "Man, I knew this was going to be a _fowl_ day!" Behind him, The Question smacked a sneaky bat out of the air with his notebook, but didn't stop the motion there and let the log book continue it's trajectory.

"OW!" Wally rubbed the back of his head while giving Sage the evil eye. "What was _that_ for?"

"One more bad pun of that scale and _any one of us_ could start the Justice Lords prophecy," Question informed him.

* * *

This darn thing keeps growing. I start out with one count number, and it doubles on me so I need to make another chapter. *sigh* So much for finishing this week.

Footnote * Yes, those numbers are correct (according to the Metro Lyrics website) and...

Footnote ** I heartily suggest you use extreme caution with their selections. I chose one that sounded interesting, and boy was I sorry. Really raunchy stuff out there. As for why Wally would have such songs on his iPod...the actual reason was this writer wanted an excuse to warn you about listening to any Superman songs for the reason I just stated. For an actual in-story reason, figure that Wally just randomly started downloading stuff and hasn't actually gotten around to listening to those yet--hence they are not deleted before he lost his iPod.


	13. Resolution

A/N: Posting during final exam times is undoubtedly a stupid thing to do if you want reviews. Oh well...mea culpa. This was put off long enough.

* * *

Chemistry 13: Resolutions

Meanwhile, on board the Watchtower...

Shayera stormed down the halls dragging a quietly whining John by one abused ring finger. "Anyone seen Flash? My stupid sometimes-boyfriend has an apology to make to him." She grimaced at the stunned faces of her fellow superheroes. _ Useless bunch._ She continued dragging Green Lantern on her search, occasionally shaking her weapon at his pained face.

"Oh, stop complaining. You almost killed my little brother, you idiot! Do you realize that the Justice Lord Hawkgirl reverted back to wearing a Thanagarian helmet? Does the phrase _hat hair_ mean anything to you?"

* * *

Alright this was it. Time to play mediator and make The League proud.

Wally ran out from his hiding place, grabbed the closest thing he could get for a metal 'shield', and started warding off stray projectiles both living and inanimate with graceful determination and a speedster's dexterity. _Hey, he hadn't watched that Xena: Warrior Princess marathon just to ogle Lucy Lawless in minimal attire no matter what GL had intimated. It had been educational!_

"Look, this isn't getting us anywhere. Surely we can work out our differences peacefully?!" He whacked a bat, sending the animal back into the ceiling's shadows.

Batman walked over and grabbed him by the neck.

"Okay...maybe not," Wally gurgled. Perhaps ripping off a formerly immaculate and intact one-of-a-kind Batmobile hubcap was--in retrospect--not the best thing to use as a defensive cover.

Intent upon watching Flash about to be flattened into the 2nd Dimension, nobody noticed as Shayera was beamed in along with The Green Lantern; John looking rather less superior than usual as he cast sideways glances of trepidation at a fuming Shayera.

All action stopped as Batgirl raised her voice in warning.

"Bruce, let Wallace go or I'll send a certain MPEG video file straight to The Daily Planet--attention to _Louis Lane_." She hit a button on the computer. Soft music started playing from the computer speakers as a downward-angled camera view of Batman holding a microphone appeared on the monitors.

_"Am I blue_

_Am I blue_

_Ain't these tears in my eyes tellin' you_

_Am I blue_

_You would be too_

_If your plans with your man_

_Done fell through..."_

Tim and Wally watched goggled eyed as Batman continued to sing to an unseen audience.

"Oh man....that's....that's...pinkmail" Everyone stared at Wally, who shrugged without explaining.

"_Black_mail." Batman grudgingly corrected as he let go of Wally's neck. "You broke the encryption," the Dark Knight glared at Batgirl. He knew he should have wiped that file from the computer.

"I was taught by the best," Batgirl agreed. Everyone but Batman, Question, and Wally were holding their sides in laughter as the song kept going on auto loop; Batman for the obvious reason, The Question probably not able to get enough air through that mask to openly indulge in it without the threat of asphyxiation.

_Oh wow_, Wally thought with a wide grin plastered on his face, about to give into a belly laugh. _This...this was...hilarious? Awesome? Absolutely... Oh._

He caught the stony look on Bruce's own mug.

"Turn it off," Wally told Babs, slowly and deliberately walking over to the computer to try to shut down the music.

The others stopped laughing. Tim was nonplussed. "But..this is great."

"No...it's not funny." The speedster sounded dead serious. "You don't know the circumstance. He did that to save Wonder Woman. Turn it off. " A puzzled Batgirl did so.

Wally got a strange look on his face, then mysteriously zipped away to disappear from view. Batgirl was left with a stunned Batman, Alfred, Superman and Robin. She turns around to see an equally flabbergasted Shayera and GL---Shayera still holding tight to GL's finger which was in danger of turning blue.

Batgirl blinked at the frozen tableau of superheroes and support staffing. "What the hell? Did Dr. Freeze sneak in and zap everyone?"

"Shayera was just insisting I come over to apologize...and then we heard Batman...and then Wally...impossible" The Green Lantern muttered in shock, unable to finish.

"He didn't take advantage of the situation." Question calmly agreed.

Robin managed to recover. "That's..."

"Mature?" Superman finished for him, looking doubtful--as if the words 'mature' and 'Flash' would only exist in dictionaries to be found in two altogether different Earth realities.

Batman grimaced. "_Impossible_ is correct. Flash doesn't _do_ mature."

"I'll second that." John twisted around to see Shayera's expression frozen in shock. He waved his hand in front of her face. Sighed. Closed her jaw for her. "Someone better alert the 'Tower to ready Diana's old therapy room."

There was a blur of color as Wally zipped back. "Oh man, what a _relief_." He looked around at the bemused faces.. "Sorry I was gone so long. Needed to use the little speedster's room."

Bruce nearly blinked at him, a feeling of foreboding hitting him head on. "I don't have a bathroom down here."

"_I KNOW!_" Wally pouted with a great indignation. "Really, Bats, I thought you were prepared for every possible eventuality known to Man. Just because you're good at holding everything in, doesn't mean your _company_ will have such iron stamina." He used both hands to point to his chest. "I mean, _speedster?_ As in _faster than normal_ metabolism? When I gotta go--I _really_ gotta _go_! Luckily, I found a potted plant that fit the bill just in the nick of time."

It took Batman a moment to register what Wally was referring to. He didn't normally keep potted plants of any kind down here. For one thing, he wasn't into a hobby that reminded him of Poison Ivy. For another, plants didn't exactly do well in in caves.

Well, there was the _one_ treasured possession of Wonder Woman's that she'd given to him to take care of while she took a therapeutic leave of absence. Said the thing was moody, anti-social, and highly particular about it's environmental conditions just like him so they should get along together quite well. He hadn't had a chance to move it upstairs yet...

_Oh gods--he didn't!_

"THAT was a rare, prized, Amazon bromeliad in full color!"

"Really?" Wally nervously backed up at the sight of Bruce's flaming eyes. "Gee, lucky thing nitrogen is normally good for plants...eh...right?" He cringed away from Batman and his grinding teeth. "No?" Man, those Batman ears were looking more and more like satanic horns. Next thing you knew, he'd be growing a pointy tail and waving around a Bat pitchfork.

_Oh shit._

Batman had picked up something that resembled a pitchfork.

Wally sped over to where the Question was listening quietly to what looked like an embarrassed Superman who was shoving a piece of paper into the hands of a reluctant Batgirl.

"Vic!" Vic Sage winced at the use of his non-secret name in _public_, but turned to give the speedster his full attention.

"Wally?"

"Needaridehomelikerightnow?Youdo?Great!" He picked up the reporter before The Question could say anything possibly contradictory and sped out of the Batcave.

* * *

Everyone was gone home.

The butler sighed, determinedly _not_ looking at the horrible mess that needed cleaning up after. He neatly sidestepping the chaos, heading unerringly towards his young master who was holding a droopy potted plant and mumbling about how Diana was going to kill him. Once in front of his charge, Alfred calmly took Batman by the arm and dragged his protesting form from the cave. "Thanks to you, Master Bruce, I have suffered hay fever and now have assorted _Bat dropping_ to clean up after. You will come upstairs _now_ or no hang-over medicine for you later."

"Diana's going to kill me, Alfred," Bruce proffering the stinking plant for inspection.

"You can explain that it died pining away in her absence."

"She'll never believe it."

"Then tell her Flash mistook it for a commode."

Bruce considered it.

"_That_, she'll believe."

* * *

Barbara was waiting for him at his apartment door. Wally smiled winningly.

"So...a crush, huh? When do you want to set our date?"

"Are you nuts?" Barbara hissed. "After what just happened at Bruce's, I'm lucky to still be in one piece. Getting into a relationship with you could prove hazardous to my health. Besides, I've already found a new beau--who's not _gay_." She reached into her pocket and produced a folded bit of paper which she handed over to him. Barbara then hurriedly departed without a backward glance, leaving a gulping Wally to unfold the note. His nervous vibrating increased the further he read.

_Wally....I know I said I don't swing that way; however, if the Lois thing doesn't go anywhere..._

_I'm open to exploring exotic cultures._

_p.s. An Amazonian Temptress theme for a night alone at your place would be really swell._

_Superman (324) 555-8621_

* * *

"..so I alternated the basic compound some, and found it worked _better_ than I expected. You don't mind, do you?"

"Is it likely will be seeing you at my tailor's?"

"Hell no, Vic. No offense, but I'm really not keen on blue right now." Wally grimaced at the thought of Big Blue's little note. How did you turn down a guy who could smash asteroids for fun?

"Then fine."

Wally grinned mischievously, already feeling his mood improve. "Great! I'll be over with a bottle of it...and something not blue--or with a red cape accessory."

Question sighed at the shit pile he was probably stepping into by going along with this insane bit of plotting, but nodded. A change of wardrobe for this did make sense and with Huntress gone on a week's long mission, plus the Illuminati on a vacation pleasure cruise--he _was_ bored out of his skull to the point of taking the kind of potentially suicidal risks that West seemed to delight in. "Speaking of bringing things over...did you get them? Don't go into that sort of hobby."

"McDoogalls is the best. They were out of them in the domestic market, but I was able to procure some at the Tokyo plant," Wally assured him. "What about you? You get.." he glanced around "..._it_?"

"Do I look like a rank amateur?" His energized cohort laughed.

"Sweet!" The Scarlet Speedster's face flip flopped as he nervously stared at his hands. "Um...Vic? Can I ask you something awkward about...well...stuff?"

Question brought out a notepad and flipped through it.

"On the 22nd of August, tried to hit on an Austrian model. Slapped you so hard needed Green Lantern to move jaw back into alignment. On the 23rd, made a pass at the Princess of Kaznia...got thrown into prison until Wonder Woman paid bail. On the 24th, propositioned the entire Swedish Swim Team and was nearly drowned..."

Flash held up a hand to stop the list of date-less events he recalled all to well on his own. "Are you saying I _am_ gay and go after women as some sort of way to deny it?"

"No...but maybe should consider choosing an alternate lifestyle for health reasons."

"Um.." Well, Wally couldn't deny Vic's advise did hold a sort of logic to it even if the idea make him a bit uncomfortable. "What about this...you know...Superman thing?"

Vic flipped through another book. "Mrs. Kent is a consecutive winner in the Smallville Annual Cook-Off eight years running. She has been known to prepare for events of up to 18 invitees.

Flash blinked at him and then scanned the neat rows of little notebooks lying around. "You're scary, Vic."

"Somebody has to give Batman competition."

0.0

* * *

So much for the malls, Tim sighed. He'd been reduced to checking out the neighboring city's thrift store after discovering that Bruce had confiscated his credit card and locked up his main bank account out of unspoken revenge. Now the Boy Wonder was hand sorting through the various hanging shirts and old Halloween costumes in the deep-discount section of Boys Wear. One caught his eye and he pulled it from the rack to consider the ancient screen-dyed logo adhering to to the front of fake rubber muscles.

_He-Man and the Masters of the Universe?_

Well, this certainly fit the description of _manly_. As far as Tim knew, there was no such super hero, though the guy on the tag's picture sure matched the name right enough. There seemed to also be some sort of saddled green tiger involved. In fact, it sort of reminded him of...

_Beast Boy?_

_Wow...if Dick can reinvent himself as Nightwing, surely I could be this He-Man. I wonder if The Changeling would agree to letting me ride him?_

Tim's eyes widened as that thought's full implications struck home. He slapped his forehead while returning the garment to the rack.

_Holy Fluctuating Gay Meter._...was it some sort of fated destiny? Tim was sure that not _every_ super hero was homosexual. Barry Allen had been married to Iris. Green Arrow was dating Black Canary. Surely that meant _something_?

A hope to cling to.

_Although_...he had heard rumors. Speedy was kind of..._weird_ on girls like _Wally_ had always seemed to be.

Was he doomed to giving up hiding girlie magazines under his bed before he was even old enough to start?

Now somewhat distraught, Tim's eyes wandered to the Men's department where voices were being raised. Some guy trying on a somewhat foppish red suit over there was rather insistently demanding that the salesperson let him go over his selection with some sort of anti-spyware detector. How weird could you get?

Oh no! It couldn't be. The man had the hots for The Huntress. Surely he wasn't...?

Another man joined the first one.

Wally?! What was Wally doing in a Thrift clothing store shopping with The Question? Dear gods, were those _women's scarfs_ in his hand?! Tim slunk under the clothing rack in an attempt to hide. Come to think of it, an excited Wally _had_ left rather hurriedly from the Batcave, _carrying_ Question with him.

_Oh, squick!_

When he looked up again, Wally and The Question--if that had really been him and who else had such a blank face?--were nowhere to be seen.

Sighing, a resigned Tim retrieved the licensed cartoon costume and went to pay for it. He was sure Dick would give him Garfield Logan's phone number when asked.

When he stepped outside of the store, he nearly pissed himself when two strong arms grabbed his and propelled him into a car.

"You know, I _could_ possibly live without Pokemon. Plus, I'm underage. Just please leave me out of your weird fantasies and we'll call it square," Tim bargained.

"Calm down. Saw you shopping in the little boy's department. Figured a good opportunity to talk," Vic began while Wally satisfied his curiosity by relieving Tim of his package. Tissue paper flew open. He snickered at the 80's article within while Tim blushed crimson. Finally, Wally was able to calm his laughter enough to explain why they had kidnapped Robin's alter ego.

"No way. _No way in hell_. Granted, I'd love to see it, but if he spotted me there it would be the last thing I saw on Earth." He growled at Question, "and where's my game disk?"

Wally sighed when his team mate said nothing. He sloppily folded the teen's purchase and plopped it back into the shopping bag. "Look, Tim, Vic here is sorry about it, but the game really did get trashed when he sent back that picachu. Something about the microwave incident causing a residual reversal of the neutron flow which initiated a feedback explosion that blew his Xbox into orbit...and no, we haven't been able to track it from the Watchtower."

Vic Sage merely looked on without denying or elaborating. Wally rolled his eyes.

Tim crossed his arms and tried to look unimpressed that his game had been sent into orbit or beyond. "So?"

"So this is the best we could come up with in recompense. How about we sneak you the video? Will that make him square?"

"Are you kidding me? I'd have _paid_ to be there if Bruce hadn't cut off my funds. Just one thing, though; what about...?"

"Hey, I'm only acting in the capacity of an innocent bystander and mayhem consultant on this, okay?" Wally made with his innocent waif face.

Tim--a quick learner--still looked doubtful. He pointed at the silent, faceless man. "So this was Question's idea?" Wally hesitated.

"Well, not in so many words..."

"Uh huh. Okay, it's a deal. Just make sure I get it before Bruce finds out you two did this and kills you both."

"_Dude_," a highly affronted West clutched his chest, "you are talking to _professionals_, here! We've got that covered as well."

* * *

Bruce was lying down in bed with a water bottle over his head, moaning quietly now that the vodka and sugar indulgences were finally leaving his system; but, unfortunately, depositing a little gift behind to be remembered by: he was now hosting The Mother of All Hangovers.

"I can't believe I ate the whole thing." Alfred handed him a glass filled to the brim with (genuine) Pepto Bismo. The butler tried to hide a slight roll of his eyes at the whining.

"Indeed, sir."

Batman was silent for a moment, trying to think past his misery. There was something elusive that was niggling at the back of his mind.

"Alfred..." he hesitated as the possibility not only came from The Question, but sounded patently ridiculous.

Oh what the hell. "Get on the Bat computer. Look for any possible ties between Mars, Nabisco, and potential Martian invasion plans."

"I'm afraid the computer is currently out of commission, sir. Miss Gordon is still working on the problem. She informed me she is making definite headway into the issue, but that it is slow going...she will need to oversee the system for some time."

* * *

"So...you are telling me you're single, a Capricorn, have an astronomically high I.Q. and are into the computer sciences?" Babs asked the creator of the virus that had become ensconced in Bruce's pride and joy. She mentally tried out the name.

_Mrs. Barbara Brainiac. Not terribly awful. I suppose it's no worse than Babs West would have been._

* * *

EPILOGUE

George--otherwise known as Vigilante---casually greeted Batman outside the Watchtower's rec room, one booted foot resting against the wall. He nonchalantly tried to dissuade the Bat from entering said room.

"Juss' some dumb musical play'n that ain't even a Western." Standing next to the cowboy, the silently brooding Crimson Avenger nodded his agreement at the critique.

Batman eyed each of his fellow non-meta's. They seemed sincere, but he decided to enter anyway. He had a strong inkling that something was up. Something _no good_, and it was the duty of The Batman to keep abreast of foul deeds wherever they sprung from.

Vigilante morosely sighed from behind his concealing bandanna. "Well, pard, can't say we didn't _try_." He produced a piece of hay straw and casually began picking his teeth with it from under the cloth.

"Hm..." Crimson Avenger noncommittally agreed; however, his main thoughts were on something else. He looked down at his newly polished boots. "Hair brained. Don't know why I let you talk me into this."

His companion's eyes twinkled, all that could be seen of his grin. "Well, _shoot it all_, Crimson, 'cause if 'twere--say---_The Flash_ or T_he Question_ spotted by surveillance picture takers anywhar _near_ here they'd be _deader_ than a possum with multiple heart failure."

"Still don't like the red," the other complained.

"Better wear'n it then _bleed'n_ it, pard."

_No lie there._

_"Good thing the party accessories aren't too__ dangerous once things get a'mite hot. Think we should me'bbe left out the forks?"  
_

_

* * *

  
_

Meanwhile, Batman had walked into the cafeteria section. There were cobalt-hued napkins, paper plates, foam cups and plastic utensils--all of the same color. His eyes fall on the food: blueberry desserts of all types. In fact, _Blue_ seems to be the theme of the day.

Batman felt a growing unease settle in his stomach. Brows knitted together, the Dark Knight opens the door onto the movie room where laughter could be heard.

Watchtower movie night was always a well populated event. Today, the seating was standing room only as the audience was thoroughly enjoying the newest film--one which the low budget special effects and jerky camera angles attested was clearly nothing produced out of Hollywood.

_On the screen a stop-motion action figure of The Dark Knight of Gotham was singing from the Am I Blue soundtrack (with Batman's voice) to an action figure of a swooning Wonder Woman--who was wearing a pink shirt with a pig logo on it and blowing kisses at her hero non stop._

Next day the medical ward was miraculously graced with only a few casualties thanks to the lack of breakable dining ware, but the carnage rendered to the ancient film projector was as bad as anything Doomsday could have possibly done to it.

* * *

In Hub City, The Crimson Avenger/Question took off his unwanted red coat, hat, and white scarf and considered whether it would be safer to just incinerate them locally or use that copy of the Pokemon game he'd burned to send the pieces into another dimension's sun.

You could never be too careful.

* * *

In the residential section of the Watchtower, a whistling Vigilante walked up to Flash's door and knocked, loudly announcing himself to any occupant. Smiling as the Flash's voice called from the other side of the door, the crime stopper of the Old West subtly played his hand over the entry panel as if just resting it there for a moment. Less than a second later he was walking into the speedster's apartment. From there, Vigilante headed for the bathroom with the assured steps of someone who knew his way around. On the vanity counter sat a non-descriptive bottle which he used to spritz his face. Five seconds later, the revealed red head had finished removing the remnants of Enhanced PseudoDerm, colored eye contacts, a bandanna, and had placed the big, floppy white hat on a hat hook.

"Batman may have found out about The Flash's part-time day job," West chuckled into his mirror, "and good for him. But he still doesn't know everything." Fortunately, the Dark Knight still had no clue of the speedster's _passable ability to throw his voice--or about_ a _boyhood passion_.

In Blue Valley, Wally had always had a secret love for playing cowboy.

* * *

That evening, Wally transported back to Hub City for a bite to eat and drink in the one dining establishment Question had deemed safe enough in what was arguably the worst town in the continental U.S--bar Nightwing's own beat.

Wally sat back and raised his iced mocha. "To success!" Sage raised his own cup of plain java in a return salute.

'So," Vic asked, "going to accept that date from Clark? Wally chuckled a bit nervously as he glanced around to make sure no one was listening.

"I'm not gay, Vic."

"Of course." Wally glanced at him, eyes hardening a little.

"I'm _not_."

"Didn't say you were. Although..." Sage took a sip of his coffee, "_if_ were, heard Broke-Back Mountain is playing at the local dollar theater." Wally flipped him a recognizable hand digit at almost indiscernible speed. Victor took another sip of his coffee to hide his amusement. "Also, I was just wondering what I should do with this..."

He handed over an envelope.

Wally could see it was an expensive piece of stationery. With a frown he opened it and extracted the letter inside--noting with some trepidation the Wayne Foundation seal. Sweating over what Bruce might have written, he began to read in silence. (Wally was not under any impression that Vic did not already know what the missive contained, but there were one or two other patrons in the diner who did not need to hear him getting reamed.)

The painstakingly neat calligraphy was not surprising. The content and the signature were. Wally sputtered, "Oh Hera's hair rollers, not..."

"I wouldn't accept if I were you. Pink and red clash horribly." It took Wally only a split second to remember the butler's supply of pink thread. He opened his mouth to ask what pink had to do with red, then closed it with a shudder and decided he didn't want to dwell on it.

"But..._Alfred_?" Wally snatched up a handy napkin with which to mop at his forehead. "Clark was one thing, but..._Eww!_ The man is old enough to have seen Bruce in diapers!"_ Wally kind of figured that put the butler in the same generation as the simulated dinosaur.  
_

A thought hit him. "Does Batman know?"

"Bruce is a highly skilled detective. Alfred is a butler...a job classification originally designed by the International Banking Consortium Elite to gain access to those of wealth and power."

Well used to his friend's fixations, Wally automatically separated the wheat from the chaff of that last statement. Assuming this was not pure chaff. He snickered, "You're saying that Bats doesn't have a clue." He looked at his watch. "Well, tomorrow's a busy day. Got a date to plan for. Later." He paused at his friend's 'look'. "A _girl_ date," he emphasized. Wally paused, then added as the Question continued to say nothing, "Not a superhero." Another pause. "You wouldn't know her."

"Linda Park, age 22, half-Asian, black hair, news reporter, ambitious, had a goldfish named Ellie when five that was killed by her brother's cat, born with a--" he stopped when with a blur half of a baked potato found it's way into his mouth.

"_Later_, Vic."

Vic removing the baked spud as Wally grabbed his jacket to leave. "Beware the Girl Scouts. They are on the move again."

"Um...yeah. You too."

* * *

Casting one quick glance around, Wally zoomed over and lit a last candle. The breeze generated by his speed snuffed out another three.

"Aw, _man_!" He forced himself to walk normally to fix them, set the microwave to 'reheat', then tossed the emptied McDougall's take-home box with it's _Free Wonder Woman Action Figure Inside!_ blurb into the trash can where nobody but the garbage man and Vic would ever find it.

All right! Candlelight dinner, floral centerpiece, his best plates set on a table--with a _tablecloth_, thank you very much!

Okay, so the candles were leftover Sesame Street ones from the downstairs neighbor's kiddy party that he'd managed to dig out of the apartment complex's trash, the roses were picked from a local park (hey, they were _flowers_ and would grow back, right?), and the plates and tablecloth were from the local dollar store. But they were the _best_ paper plates at said store. The tablecloths had been out of stock. He'd made do with a red Transformers bed sheet. Optimus Prime stared back at him in what looked like stern disapproval at his choice in romantic decor. Wally adjusted the floral display over the metal-eyed glare. He didn't need any downer criticism tonight to ruin his high.

The happy speedster bounced on his toes in excitement as he waited for Linda to arrive.

She was pretty. She was funny. She clearly wanted his body as much as he wanted hers. Most importantly, she was a _she_.

_Take __that__ all you people trying to make me question my masculinity!_

Glancing outside, he noticed her car pull up to the parking lot. As Linda got out, a girl scout appeared. The tall-ish kid looked like she was trying to sell her a box of cookies. Wally smiled. Hey, maybe they'd have some dessert to go with the McDougall's burgers and fries after all?

* * *

Thirty-five minutes later, Linda was giggling over one of Wally's impersonations of the locals as they sat eating what remained of their McDougall's takeout dinner.

"That so like him," Linda was saying in response to one of Wally's witticisms--when they were interrupted by the doorbell. Frowning at the bad timing, Wally walked to the door and opened it.

"Clark?"

Clark Kent stood in the hallway, one hand holding a small tower of food warmer boxes, the other clutching what Wally figured was a reproduction of an Ancient Greek woman's costume on a dry cleaner's hanger.

Clearing his throat, Clark walked in past a stupefied West. "Hi, Wally. I know I probably should have called to confirm our date first, but I'm kinda nervous and..." he held up the costume. "I hope I got the size right."

"S-Size?" somewhat stupefied, Wally blinked at him. "Clark, what--?" His eyes fell on the softly flowing fabric with it's accompanying metal belt and jewelry. It kind of reminded him of the outfit that Diana had worn at Superman's premature funeral. He felt a premonition of doom that had little bat symbols written all over it.

_Oh no._

_"So he were right!"_

Wally's head snapped to the side to see an irate Linda Park glaring at him. She stalked up to the red head to viciously poke his chest with a manicured index finger.

"Your uncle warned me that you might try something, but you seemed to be such a sweet guy and all your co-workers vouched for you!"

"Uncle?" Wally wilted. His only real uncle was dead and lost in the Speed Force. Unless she had consorted with some sort of spiritual medium, that meant his date had been talking with...

Linda had turned her sharp gaze on Kent who gulped in uncertainty. "I suppose you two expected me to wear that little fantasy number for your puerile enjoyment before trying to get me into bed? Well, buddy, let me tell you--!"

Clark whined, "A threesome? Wally never said...and this is for him." He indicated the costume and Wally's wide-eyed figure. "Who are you again?"

There was the sound of a slap that could as likely have come from Linda Park's jaw hitting the floor as Wally's speed smacking his palm over his eyes.

Linda whirled around to gather her jacket and purse before marching between the two for the exit. "Perverts! I'm totally out of here. Don't call me. Ever!" All Wally could do was whimper as the potential love of his life left to further ruin his former straight-and-narrow reputation.

"Gee, Wally, and I thought Lois was bad." Incognito Superman shifted his feet as West continued to stand there next to him, hiding his face with his hands and making little sounds of distress. "You still on for tonight?" Kent asked with all the alien's hopeful sincerity.

"Clark..._where did you get the idea that I'd asked you over?_" Wally was already pretty certain, but he had to be sure.

His unwanted guest's brow furrowed at the inquiry's mournful tone. "Um...Batman called me this morning. Said he was forwarding the invite since you were a bit busy preparing for my...um..'exotic cultural adventure'."

The redhead did not move otherwise, but sighed heavily into his palms. "Of course."

Clark looked around. "We aren't actually doing a threesome, are we? I mean, that woman seemed a little snippy. Now, Bruce is probably cool, but he'd just glare at me or something for not being as experienced at this as...Wally?" the Smallville semi-native asked with some concern as the clearly more sexually well-informed Fastest Man Alive still had not moved a muscle. "You okay? If you want to postpone, that's all right, but these won't last forever, and you have no idea how much farm work I had to do for Ma in order to repay her for making these pies."

"Oh," Wally's voice came out a bit growled, "everything is just _peachy_."

Glancing at his stack of food boxes--which also included a few Girl Scout Cookie boxes, Clark set them down on the floor. "Nope, but she did make plenty of apple spice and mocha pumpkin. I didn't know you favored peach."

One green eye appeared as two of Wally's fingers relented on their guarding action just a tad.

"_Mocha_ pumpkin pie?" he warbled. The name alone sounded yummy.

"Ma always said when you were invited over as a guest it was polite to bring a gift."

Wally silently watched as Clark opened the boxes and set out the pies and cookies on every available surface as there were too many for the little dining table. Each pie smelled and looked absolutely as good as you'd expect a home-made bakery product from an experienced baker to be. His mouth watered from the aroma alone.

Clark was the _second_ most fastest (alien) man alive. He was polite. Was able fly The Flash out of danger now that Shayera and GL (and likely Diana) were angry at him; his mother was one fantastic and prolific cook, and right now he looked up to Wally as if the speedster was some sort of sex guru. None of the League had ever went to Wally for guidance before. Really, it was kind of flattering--if you squinted enough.

With reluctance, Wally fingered the silky fabric of the costume Superman had brought for him to wear and considered everything. "Amazon..huh?" It certainly looked expensive and not something cheap bought at a thrift store.

Clark blushed. "They were out of the normal Greek ones at the Metropolis Downtown Costume Rental, but luckily a local girl scout was a holding a sale right outside The Planet building and had this last one. I would have bought more boxes of cookies from her as well---more out of pity than anything else, really, because she had to be the ugliest Girl Scout I ever saw. Rather surly, too. Kept muttering something about 'I'm never going to ever cross _him_ again no matter what they bribe me with."

* * *

Within the Batcave, Batman sat watching his monitors and the ongoing scene courtesy of the assorted rigged boxes of Girl Scout cookies.

"Serve them right for going up against The Batman," he muttered darkly. Bruce didn't turn around when he heard footsteps come closer. It would only be Alfred bringing his evening cup of Earl Grey.

"I hear you set Master Kent up with Master Wally, Master Bruce?" Alfred asked him without relinquishing the china cup. He was staring with an unblinking gaze at the image of an Amazonian Wally nervously smoothing his dress while a happily smiling Clark told him how exquisite it made him look.

Bruce almost laughed. "Yes." He was recording the whole thing for later blackmail material.

"Damn."

"What was that, Alfred?" Bruce asked, only half paying attention to his manservant.

"I said, in that case, your _tea_, Master Bruce."

Still smirking at the ongoing and farcical romance comedy, Wayne missed the dark look on his unflappable butler's features and thus was completely caught off guard when the cup of boiling hot tea was poured onto his lap.

**Finished**

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* * *

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**A/N:  
**

(Dear, gentle, kind, compassionate, _pacifistic_ viewers: I'm not familiar with the layout of the Watchtower, nor to my knowledge have Vigilante and The Crimson Avenger fought with Flash in the same screen shot. If they have, too bad--I fell in love with this idea and those two seemed the most compatible of the heroes who weren't seen much on the show. Sticklers may be reminded that this is a humor fic.

I have no excuse to mollify the slash, non-slash, and Wally/Linda fans.)

Those who are fans of Batman may be somewhat pleased to learn that I had intended to end this with Question and Wally after the movie night show. Bruce was rather put out by this and demanded I continue long enough to get his revenge. However, being a Wally West fanatic, I also added the ending sentence after he left.

So there it is. I'm now a wanted woman by two irate heroes with only their non-killing creed to protect me.

Give a condemned sprite her last meal, damn it and review!

;-P

[edit] So much for asking for reviews. .


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